I think of embarrassment as the feeling that precedes many of my actions or interactions with others and which often blocks or 'protects' me. 

I am embarrassed of exaggerating, of being too much. 

In social situations I feel embarrassed when I talk too much, but also when I don't talk at all. I feel embarrassed when I laugh too loudly or for too long. I purposely try to go unnoticed because I feel self-conscious when people stare at me. Yet, when I am not noticed at all, I feel a little lonely. I feel embarrassed to let myself go, of dancing with the lights on - even with my closest friends I cannot do it. Sometimes I think that embarrassment protects me because if I didn't feel it I would lose control. I am extremely embarrassed of asking for help or favours. I'm always afraid of asking too much, of crossing a line, of demanding things that I shouldn't demand, of being rude.

I am also embarrassed of showing affection. In a physical way, above all. The embarrassment stops me from doing so at all. Sometimes I want to hug people but I can't. I am afraid that I don't know how to hug and that it will be uncomfortable. I am afraid that the other person does not want to be hugged or touched. Most of all I cannot tolerate the thought of the other person thinking I "need" a hug. Besides my family members and romantic partners, I have never hugged anyone - unless I felt like I had to. When people hug me I let them but I can’t seem to reciprocate even when I want to. 

Above all I think that embarrassment will protect me from feeling ashamed of myself later. I hate ruminating and being ashamed of things that happened in the past, such as words or actions which I think were too much (things I know, rationally, that nobody noticed but I can't stop thinking about). I hate this feeling of shame so much that I prefer not to risk putting myself in these situations. I only answer a professors' questions if I am absolutely certain of my answer (and even then it takes me a long time to answer) because when I answer incorrectly I feel like I’m drowning in shame.

The worst thing is that I am embarrassed of things that seem to come naturally to everyone else and this often makes me feel lonely and not understood. My friends respect these things and never ask me to do things that would embarrass me.  However, I often find myself feeling trapped in the things I’m embarrassed of. I think "If I don't feel discomfort right now, I am no longer myself”. This makes me feel like I have little freedom to self-determine myself. I feel like my identity is so confined, restricted and reserved to few things that I cannot get out of a space which sometimes feels too narrow. I know it's my fault though because I am the one who first defines themselves with their embarrassment. I can't even tell if these things are true anymore. Is it true that I hate dancing and hugging? Or are these things that I have always told myself?

Embarrassment therefore, makes me feel protected and safe because I feel like I have control over myself but at the same time it makes me feel trapped, different and alone.