Silence

Yesterday, while I was having lunch at my friend’s house, their mom commented something along the lines of “I’m surprised someone this shy could become friends with you” to which my friend replied “I know, but trust me, mom, at first she doesn’t talk a lot, but once she does, you discover a whole new world.” The irony of this conversation is that I didn’t speak once. On my way back home, I pondered upon something that has been in my head for a long time, but that I haven’t been able to pinpoint down what it is. As an attempt to reach some clarity, here is what I wrote down:

I often worry that my quietness can be mistaken for lack of thought or being “boring”. This hurts a little to admit because I’ve been trying to convince myself that others’ perceptions of me don’t matter. But they do to me, and I believe that at the end of the day, it’s a very human thing to care about. People around me comment on how little I speak, but really my silence just means I am comfortable. I trust you enough to sit in silence and absorb moments instead of feeling like I have to rip my thoughts out of my head and make them sound pretty or interesting. I enjoy silence. I have beautiful memories that involve pure moments of silence and I believe that's because it really allows me to take in and recognise all emerging emotions of that moment, amplifying its intensity. That is why silence can also be draining and overwhelming if the emotions are hard to deal with. Speaking and trying to be heard is so tiring some days. It’s as if I can’t pick a good thought to say and the words just feel so heavy when I open my mouth. It's as if I were in a bakery trying to pick out the best pastry to place on a silver plate. The more time it takes me to choose, the heavier the silver plate feels. As I reflect on this, I recognise the vicious cycle that I trapped myself into, and the more I hear outsiders perceive me as “boring” the more I tend to convince myself that this is true. But I AM observing, I AM still here. It’s a vicious cycle I’m trying to break. Please be patient with me while I learn about myself day by day. And I hope to surprise you in a good way.

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