I’m annoyed at the expectations I have of myself, of my emotions and how I am supposed to express them. I expected that after seeing you I would feel a lot of pain and that once it was over it would bring relief. Instead, it didn't.

It was interesting how I expected that seeing you would destroy my self-esteem and how, all this time, I was focused on what you would say and think. But as you spoke, something inside me finally clicked. Your insensitive way of saying things, your lack of curiosity to look inside of yourself, to understand what you want, and your lack of emotional intelligence made me realise that maybe you are not the right person for me. As soon as I had this realisation I rejected it. It hurt me more than your rejection, because it contradicted everything I had thought of you up until then.

Even though I know I did the right thing in asking you to talk (that I did the right thing in facing my fears and that the awareness I have now will benefit me in the long run), right now I can't be proud of myself or satisfied with how our conversation went. That's because I didn't feel ready to let you go. I didn't want to face you, I didn't want to tell you how I felt. Honestly, I preferred to stay in that limbo of not knowing even though I was aware that it wasn't the best thing to do. For once in my life I didn't want to do "the right thing" or "be the bigger person" . Yet I did it because I listened to the people around me, I trusted my friends. So now I can't be satisfied or proud of myself because I know I didn't do it because I really wanted to. It leads me to feel some resentment towards the people who convinced me to talk to you even though I know it's not their fault and that I am responsible for my own actions. The strange thing is that I don't regret talking to you, but I’m simply not satisfied with it either.

Behind all of this resentment and anger is hiding a deep pain. A pain that feels so close but I still can't grasp yet. Yesterday I tried, in bed at night. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I have a constant knot in my throat, intense at time, loose in other moments, but it's one that never melts. It’s like water that boils in a pot, but never comes out. It bothers me but I know that the more I think about it, “the harder I try" to cry and feel my pain, the less the feelings will come out. Right now I can’t tolerate the presence of other people, I don't want to talk or socialise with anyone. Above all, I have no desire to face anyone who will ask me how I am feeling.

Instead, I try to reflect on what makes me sad. Surely I'm sad that I found out that I have to let you go. That I have to rethink my future plans. I will miss fantasising about what we could be. I'll miss the little things that are real about you: the way you sat cross-legged, the way you worried about how I feel, the way you teased me, the sound of our laughter, the lightness you brought to my life.

What hurts me the most though is the feeling of not being enough. It's clear that you don't want me enough to make you lose your rationality, your rigor, to bend the narrow lines you set yourself for how things should go. The things you say appear to me as a simple reflection of what I say to you. You tell me you have feelings for me if I am the first one to tell you. It seems to me that you are following a predefined script. You tell me that you are not thinking about it and that right now you are only thinking about your exam. I wonder how flat, uninteresting, and uncomplicated you can be if you can really only think about your exam. It seems impossible to me that this is the truth. It seems to me that this is an excuse so that you don’t have to tell me that you are not thinking about me at all. Maybe it doesn't matter what the truth is. This is the truth you want to tell me and it doesn't satisfy me. I know I don't deserve this.

All in all, more than destroying my self-esteem, our conversation made me realise that my self-worth is stronger than I imagined. I feel split in two. On one side I feel my strength, the anger that makes me act pragmatically to forget you, the need to respect myself and on the other side my weakness, the fact that despite everything I will miss you so much and I am not ready to let you go.