Many of us feel like we will not be able to achieve our goals, or we feel unsatisfied with what we have and that we may be helpless because of this. In the following Think on Ink, the writer shines light upon an issue they spotted while growing up: the lack of self-compassion in the road to success. They explain how they always felt incapable of reaching what they wanted because they were only taught to reach the goal, but not to forgive their failures and the mistakes along the road. However, neglecting yourself and your needs will more likely make it harder for you. Like the writer says here: "Scolding yourself for not achieving your goals won’t help. One step at a time".
I wish that all those inspirational videos online that were shown to us from a young age - sounding like “discipline is the only road to success” and preaching consistency and hard work - had underlined the importance of self-compassion in satisfaction. I think my whole existence would have been much more peaceful if I found out about this earlier in my life. Or maybe it’s just that inspirational speeches don’t work because they fail in being personal. I remember watching these people with their lives apparently figured out telling me that if I'd put in the right amount of effort in things I would reach my goals. But as I heard them speak all I could think of was “well yes, but that won’t work for me, I’m simply ineffective in getting things done, I lack the discipline.” The more I talk to people and open up about my vulnerabilities and my beliefs about feeling essentially incompetent the more I realise that so many of us think the same. From highly functioning individuals to people who struggle to get out of bed in the morning, people hold the same beliefs about being incapable of succeeding, attributing their successes to external factors or playing them down. So maybe if so many of us think the same, there isn’t something inherently wrong with us? Maybe what’s wrong is what has been preached and the beliefs we hold about ourselves?
I am not talking about success in terms of something tangible, but rather as the feeling of self-fulfilment and satisfaction. Satisfaction is reached when we feel like we are achieving our goals. If we don’t forgive the part of us that struggles to focus, to get out of bed, to be ambitious, if we don’t forgive the more vulnerable sides of us first it will be hard for us to build a new stronger foundation and prove it wrong. I am not saying this is a straight path. It’s more than a bumpy road , it’s a fucking constant rollercoaster. Some days I feel like I am capable, confident, responsible and effective. I trust and believe in myself and my ability to regulate my behavior. Other days I feel completely out of control, helpless, a failure and that I will never change. But I can assure you that the stronger days will slowly start becoming more frequent, and outweighing the vulnerable ones.
The clue is perhaps making the conversation personal. Which are the experiences that taught you to think that you are incapable of reaching your goals? How are you interpreting these experiences? Did you actually “fail”? If so, what does this say about you? Are you forgiving yourself for those experiences? Are you being compassionate with yourself as you would be to others? And what are the experiences which make you feel competent? Effective in achieving your goals. Who are the people who make you feel competent? Surround yourself with those people. Hold on to the positive experiences with all your might.
Scolding yourself for not achieving your goals won’t help. You can’t heal hurt with more hurt. Self-compassion won’t prevent you from aiming high. Trust me that It won’t make you “lazy” or unmotivated as everyone thinks. It will build the foundation for you to prove to yourself that you can achieve whatever you set for yourself. One step at a time.