In the following text, the author describes a lot of contradictions they feel and perceive about a supposed relationship. It seems as thought they feel on top of the world, appreciated and protected, but also unstable, neglected and unsure of how to move around the other person. They say that this person is toxic for them, yet also makes them feel pure. If you also experience contradictory relationships with people, don't lose yourself trying to find a way to reach them or by trying to balance conflicting signals and behaviours. Remind yourself about your needs and your worth.
Maybe you think that you not letting me in is a way to protect me. Because you don’t trust yourself enough to not push anything good in your life away. And though I don’t believe that is true about you, I know it is your truth and, therefore, that you are probably right. If you would risk a bit more and actually let me in and then take it all back again you would, indeed, break me to pieces. What you don’t understand is that you pushing me away doesn’t work both ways. It’s not that if you don’t let me into your life you are not entering mine as well. Because you are entering mine. And I can’t help but let you in. Why do you take so much of me? This way you’re not actively breaking me but I still keep on bending so much for you. In the useless intent of not confirming your beliefs. Though this bending never fully breaks me, it slowly shapes me. It models my sense of self-worth and, bit by bit, ends up destroying me. So yes, truth is that you destroy me.
You destroy me because are a constant paradox. I feel so safe with you but also so unsafe, on edge, with you. You are toxic, you intoxicate me, but also when I’m with you i’m the purest version of me I’ve ever been. I would say you are the most self-absorbed person I’ve ever met yet when we talk you are selfless. I feel like your world revolves around me and understanding me. You make me feel like you would jump in front of a train for me. But also that even asking for the bare minimum, basic human decency, is asking too much of you.
I know that in this paradox the negatives outweigh the positives. Then why can’t I let you go?
Because when I see you i’m reminded of the fact that you get me more than any romantic partner i’ve had in my life. You see me like nobody does. You don’t listen to what I say about myself or how I want to represent myself. It’s like you have a filter for what is truly meaningful about me and what isn’t. When I have sex with you I’m on the verge of tears. For how much i’ve longed for our bodies to meet again. For how much I feel understood in that moment. But mainly because I worry that will be the last time I’ll have you that close again.