My life has been quite straightforward in many senses. I never had problems with school or friends and the issues I had with family were never mine to solve.

The only real facet of my life which has brought me fear have been relationships. I struggle to navigate the world of casual hook ups. No pleasure is derived from them asides from the momentary release.

I crave for a deeper feeling, yet reject it entirely out of fear of the past. The past has taught me that I might not be enough. That while someone can love you, you will never know how much. It's taught me that life has many more variables to consider than just the singular all encompassing blindsiding love.

I see my friends in relationships. Open ones, that I reject as I think I could never be in an open relationship with someone I truly love. Closed ones, that leave me confused on why they are together since they don't see each other as life partners. The pressed search to find a life partner might be what crumbles it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am care too much, or too little. The less I care, the more they do. The more I care, the less they do. I wish I could move out of this cycle. Then again, I perpetuate it constantly.

I guess the only way to move forward is with kindness and openness, aware that you might have to suffer through the shame of breaking hearts or the pain of getting your heart broken. But perhaps it'll work out.

And what is life without perhaps.

Additional information: There's a bluebird in my heart :)