This text talks about the struggles of entering a space of intimacy in a relationship. Intimacy can be seen as a bubble of disinhibition and transparency from all sides: all parties are truly themselves and at ease with each other. The Lines represent the barriers the writer has, which block them from externalising their affection and inner thoughts, and thus entering in the zone of intimacy. Enjoy the read :)
For very brief, invisible moments I look at you from across the table. I allow myself to look at you quite rarely, but I see you clearly. Realising that there is no future between us makes me feel free and allows me to see you for who you really are. The only problem is that I cannot let this mental freedom float onto my actions. Every little movement I do around you is calculated and overthought. I often ask myself: what am I afraid of? I think I am scared of doing something wrong, something you wouldn’t like and for which you may reject me. I live in fear of not being understood and of crossing a line with you. I would like to hold you close, to dare, to touch you, to look at you but these actions do not fit into the designated space I restrict myself to.
It depends on the moment though, sometimes those lines become thick metal bars from which I cannot break through. In those moments I feel like I cannot breath. Other times they are just thin lines and I can bend them a little. I wish you would understand these moments and that you would help me break through them. Instead, you are impassive. Like today when you were lying on the couch. I approached you and put one knee next to you. I wanted you to touch me or at least look at me so as to invite me to sit down. But you didn't and the little bend I had made in the line straightened immediately. I left. I would like to give back to you the affection you give me, but I can’t seem to succeed. Why? Perhaps we’re just not compatible and yet I feel I am transparent with you. I know that you see me as wholesome through these lines. I would like to tell you that I think you’re beautiful, perhaps the most beautiful thing I have ever had next to me. I would like to let you know that every time you move around in bed at night I always hope you’ll be moving towards me... closer to me. I would like to tell you that I appreciate you as a person for being determined and serious but at the same time extremely good and non-judgmental. I would like to tell you all these things but for now I can't tell you anything at all.
That’s why I release my thoughts in these lines for them to fit within my lines.