I have a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of thoughts, roaming around in my head. I haven’t felt alive for some years now. I have a hard time differentiating the real from the fake, if I’m awake or not, if I’m living or dreaming. I feel like I’m empty, always disoriented and spaced out. I feel like there is soundproof foam surrounding my brain and silencing every sensation. It’s heavy, and I can sense it when I’m walking, running, talking, studying. And at night when I lay down, my shoulders and back hurt as if I’ve been carrying this unbearable weight around all day. I’m tired, I’m drained and I’m exhausted. My mind is cloudy, foggy and it traps me. It traps me with my thoughts and all of my emotions until I can’t handle it anymore and I burst. Drowning in water, that fills every part of my body until it overflows from my eyes, while it silences my screams. I cry a lot, I’m not sure why, but I cry a lot, maybe its sadness, or maybe its self-pity. The same pity and disgust I sense while I look at the devastated but unrecognisable reflection of myself in the mirror. I fear death, but I also think about death a lot, never about hurting myself, yet it remains a constant thought in my mind. I may be walking and asking myself: “If I’d die now, would someone notice?”. I know I wouldn’t. I feel like I could fall asleep and collapse at any moment throughout the day, yet I struggle to fall asleep at night, when I’m left alone with my thoughts, in the dark and in complete silence. I often cry myself to sleep, turning frantically from side to side unsatisfied by the uncomfortableness that has become  my wet pillowcase. When I wake up I am usually anxious, afflicted by the naked body in my sheets and my reflection on the mirror of my bathroom. I don’t look at myself too often, I don’t like posing for pictures and I don’t have many of them on my phone.

With time I’ve learned to understand what triggers and what alleviates this feeling. Some of my triggers include, big shops and malls with loud music and intense perfume, walking with music, autumn and winter, large groups of people, classrooms, restaurants, and similarly, eating in the company of other people. My day usually consists of moments, or better, waiting for those moments where suddenly everything feels, sounds and smells normal again. Moments when the storm in my head gets shattered by a sudden ray of sunlight. When my memory comes back, my shoulders relax, my eyes widen and my smile doesn’t feel as forced anymore. This feeling of safety and normality can be provoked from time to time by certain songs, places and affirmations, when I remind myself of where I am, that I am safe and that I am loved. It may last seconds or minutes, but never more than that. It may intensify in the presence of certain people, and reduce in the absence of them.

I’m still learning how to love myself, so please be patient with me along the way.

Don’t forget that you are never alone when you experience distress or pain. Reach out to family and friends or to a professional for help!!!