In this piece of writing, the writer parallels feelings of powerlessness, self-responsibility and self-disappointment. On one hand they feel incapable of exerting control over themselves and their feelings, leading them to experience frequent highs and lows. On the other hand, they can't help but feel responsible for this instability, which pervades them with a sense of emptiness. We acknowledge the courage it takes to express this pain.
Floating, then suddenly drowning - that’s how I feel most of the time and the thought of not being able to change that, scares me. It's almost horrifying, knowing that I have no control over myself. There are days in which I struggle finding a purpose, on others I feel like I'm on top of the world. Sometimes I wonder if it's okay to go through so many highs and lows, but then again I'm incapable of changing it. One of my diary entries dated April 2017 says: "Being shy is like living in a cage with the lock open". I have to admit that, looking back, I still feel that way. And this crushes me, because no matter how hard I try to open up and feel good about myself, I still fail and end up hurting. There is this unexplainable type of void in me I feel responsabile to fill in. You hear it everyday - "the change has to come within you..." - but what happens when you're stuck? Knowing that at the end of the day, you are the one responsabile for the thoughts that tormenting your head. How do I remove them? How do I stop feeling like I can't improve myself the way that I want to? There are so many things that remain unclear to me, but one thing I know is that I'm feeling terribly helpless, if not disappointed in myself. Mostly because the cage is open, but I can't get out.
Don’t forget that you are never alone when you experience distress or pain. Reach out to family and friends or to a professional for help!!!