It's almost as if all the illusions and the let downs I've faced in any kind of relationship have brought me to this immense dissatisfaction I feel. Although most of them are now stable, all the unhealthy relationships in the past have dumped consequences on me, on my way of thinking, of processing things and of behaving. The majority of the things I do in a usual day don't give me satisfaction. Even when I've done something good for others or something for myself, I fail in going to bed and thinking about the nice day it has been. I feel unsatisfied, with irregular-pulsing headaches, as if I were climbing an interminable staircase never reaching the next level. I'm stuck halfway through, but what is halfway on an infinite scale?

Dissatisfaction is a dark place to be in. You don't want to be with yourself, but you can't run away. You attempt to avoid your thoughts and your duties by falling into this vicious cycle of fearful and inconclusive debates in which you alone are the debater, the objectifier and the chairperson. You are unable to make decisions therefore you are mad at yourself. And you are perfectly conscious of all that's happening, however any circumstance paralyses you. Your body is frozen, but your mind is exploding every second. You wish it could be the opposite. You wish you could move and go for a run or work and stop your mind from all that scary thinking. No matter how hard you try, you won't get there. "There", huge debacle of the human mind, the incomprehensible hoax that everyone is victimised by. There is no such thing as "there". There's only "here" and "now". The concept of "there" is just a bunch of "heres", one after the other. To get there you need to be here first. An unsatisfactory state keeps you away from the "here". You're always somewhere else, some terribly nagging place deep in your messy mind. If I could only leave this place, I'd stop being chained to uncomfortable thoughts and I'd like to lay down and feel lightness in my head.

Don't forget that you are never alone when you experience distress or pain. Reach out to family and friends or to a professional for help!!!