In this simple and touching piece the writer shares their thoughts on what is left of their partner at the end of a relationship. It is common to feel a sense of emptiness after a break-up and like everything we have experienced with the other is lost forever. Below, there are feelings of nostalgia and melancholy, but also hope and resolution: although the writer misses this special person, they realise how much the latter has given them, and is now a part of their everyday life. This text is a good reminder that all that we have experienced, felt and learnt in a relationship still belong to us and we can find it within ourselves.
I happen to confuse what is left of you with a series of feelings related to your absence. My chest burns when I think of you. The overwhelming desire to talk about you to others, to paint you as more perfect than you probably are. The urge to perform actions that would make you proud of me. The thought that you wouldn't be proud of me if you found out I was writing about you instead of studying or thinking about myself. My constant wondering about what you do, what you think about.. do you ever think about me? The knot in my throat when I think that maybe not.. you never think about me. My humming of songs that remind me of you. The hope of meeting you again soon. The beautiful memories, made more beautiful by the subjectivity of my memory which completely crushes the bad ones. The melancholy of the peace that the endless hours spent together gave me.
In reality, however, if I think about it, this is not what is truly left of you. These feelings are just my feeble attempt at keeping you close and not give into the idea that I have to let you go.
What is truly left of you are instead the infinite things you taught me: independence and autonomy, self-care, the good and necessary selfishness of putting your own well-being first, the lightness of things, the excitement of fantasising about the future, self-determination, the little everyday things that make you feel free...
The things I've learnt from you have now become part of me. They now belong to me. This thought allows me to find peace in your absence knowing that you are still present within me.