Polyamory is the act of being able to or desiring to be in a relationship with more than one person at once. The term “Polyamorous” describes both a relationship with more than two people, but also people who desire these types of relationships. Polyamorous relationships can be romantic, sexual or both. It can be used to describe an open relationship or it can be three or more people who are all in a relationship with each other. Polyamory is not a sexuality on its own, but it implies that polyamorous people can live their sexuality however they choose to.
The article will cover the following points:
- Polyamory in the Sociocultural Perspective
- What is Polyamory?
- FAQ: Is Polyamory a Choice or an Identity
- Non-Monogamy, Polyamory and Polygamy
- Types and Approaches of Polyamory
- Asexuality and Polyamory
- Closing Remarks
Polyamory in the Sociocultural Perspective
The movement of polyamory discourse has emerged at the meeting points of many progressive and important social movements [1]. Some waves of the feminist movement, for example, criticized marriage a lot, viewing it as an institutionalization of men’s ownership of women. At the same time, the movement supported the polyamorist values of caring, intimacy, honesty, equality, non-exclusivity and relational autonomy. The LGBTQ+ movement also talked about non-monogamous sexualities and intimacies; in fact, many experimented the formation of relationships with various levels of intimacies and with people from different gender and sexual identities. Adding on to that, the subcultures of BDSM have also created space for sexual practices that surpass the couple culture per se and involve experimentation with different people and items. Non-monogamy is closely tied with the ideas of sexual liberation that form central ideas in many social movements, political debates and cultural practices. Polyamory then has its roots in all these movements, and it tries to provide the words, or a language, to describe alternative sexual lifestyles and relationships to those which fall inside the spectrum of monogamy.
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory makes it possible, valid and worthwhile to maintain intimate, sexual and/or loving relationships with more than one person at a time [1]. Another way to describe polyamory is to explain it as a consensual non-monogamy or responsible non-monogamy [2]. It also includes open relationships or multi-partner constellations that can be completely different from each other in terms of intensity, closeness and commitment. It is important to mention that polyamory has an ethical component stemming from the practice of consensus and values that imply self- knowledge, integrity and the praising of sex and love over jealousy [2].
FAQ: Is Polyamory A Choice or An Identity?
As “a range of love styles that arise from an understanding that love cannot be forced to flow or be prevented from flowing in any particular direction”, polyamory has been recognized as a sexual identity [2]. From this definition follows the sexual orientation discourse mentioned above: for example, one person can be both bisexual and polyamorous, even though studies have shown that it is way easier for people to come out as homosexual than as having a poly-identity.
The AskPolyamory website [5] is an online platform that was created to provide support to those who are interested in understanding or experiencing polyamory. Out of the myriad of answers given to the question of whether polyamory is a sexual identity, someone replied: “it is an innate part of who you are and how you experience yourself and your relationships, it can be choice: as in that polyamory is something you do, something you practice but that you can drop whenever, but it is not a sexual orientation because it is not about to whom you are attracted to.”
There are many different opinions regarding the identity nature of polyamory. However, as long as there is respect and freedom of choice, polyamory remains a subjective experience. Ergo, you may experience it as you wish, may it be as a sexual or innate identity!
Non-Monogamy, Polyamory and Polygamy
Not all non-monogamous people are polyamorous. For example, a person may be in a romantic relationship that has evolved up to a particular stage but still cheat. Cheating is not bad per se, if discussed before between the partners, but the difference with polyamorous relationships is that cheating does not exist as a term. This is mainly because all parties are aware of all other parties involved and hence give consent for their involvement [3]. Without consent, the relationship cannot be defined to be polyamorous.
Furthermore, polyamory differs from polygamy. In polygamy, the idea of marriage is still central. Counties such as Iraq and Afghanistan have legalized polygamy, where a man (or a woman, but this is rarely the case) is married to multiple people (in most cases this is a heterosexual polygamy). This could or could not involve feelings of intimacy and affection, since the marriage could be arranged for financial purposes or esteem reasons.
Types and Approaches to Polyamory
There are multiple types of polyamorous relationships and approaches to polyamory which you can read all on lgbta.wikia.org [3]. Here are some of the most relevant ones, to make sure you can grasp how diverse the notion of polyamory is, and how many different and interesting combinations exist.
- V Polyamory - A relationship involving three people in which one person is in a relationship with two partners who are not in a relationship with each other
- Triad - Also known as a triangle or delta, a relationship involving three people where each person is in a relationship with all the other people.
- Polyfidelity - All members are considered equal partners and agree to be sexually, romantically, or sensually involved only with other members of the group.
- Egalitarian Polyamory - A relationship structure in which all partners are considered equal to one another in regards to emotional commitment.
- Hierarchical Polyamory - A relationship structure in which a person has multiple partners who are not equal in terms of interconnection, emotional intensity, or power within the relationship.
Asexuality and Polyamory
Let’s not forget that there are also people that do not experience sexual attraction toward anyone, a sexual identity termed as asexuality [4]. Some asexual people may be polyamorous in the sense that they participate in multiple romantic or intimate relationships, without these being necessarily sexual. Asexuals may also choose to be in a polyamorous relationship where they have a single partner, but this partner may have one or more additional relationships. In these cases, the person can describe themselves as a “relationship anarchist and celibate asexual” to explain that they are both asexual and polyamorous.
In a study by Copulsky (2016), asexual individuals have outlines [4] the challenges they are faced with when others do not understand how asexuals can be polyamorous. There is a real difficulty for people to understand why asexuals may be non-monogamous. Indeed, there tends to be a lot of judgement for their choice/identity, since they believe that these people choose to be in polyamorous relationships simply to avoid having sex with their partner, as if it were an excuse. However, they disregard the fact that asexuals can build multiple deep and meaningful relationships.
Another issue is that people tend to quickly assume someone’s sexuality when they find out they are non-monogamous. This happens because of a lack of knowledge on the topic, which leads to confusion between polyamory and open relationships with casual sex and orgies.
Closing Remarks
An experience with polyamory and non-monogamy can provide novel insights into the social construction and organization of kinship, households and the family, parenting practices, sexual identities and heteronormativity [1]. What is more, polyamory opens up new sex-positive terrains for erotic, sexual and relational understandings and practices. These new narratives of emotional and sexual abundance, and collective care, may provide real alternatives to capitalist and patriarchal ideologies of personal ownership and scarcity.
There is, nonetheless, a big paradox with all these narratives, as it frequently is with all radical political circles. They sometimes tend to remain exclusive and tightly engaged only with the already-existing members of the community, those that initially formed it.
Another point for the future would be to explore polyamory using the lens of intersectionality, as up to now there is not much discussion about polyamory and different races, classes, disabilities or body sizes.
Polyamory can also boost self-understanding and self-realization: one can explore themselves through the eyes of many people and find out more about them, while being in multiple relationships. That is, polyamory can help people discover different aspects of themselves and experience love and intimacy alternatively and more freely, with choice, trust, and desire. Finally, it can serve as a break-free from the traditional relationships style and the narrative or heteronormativity.
If you have thought about these things in your life, do not forget that there are many people out there with similar ideas about relationships. Remember that there are honest ways of having multiple relationships, that can still be truthful and transparent, as long as you communicate [6].
Additional Resources:
- Our Podcast episode on polyamory: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0V7a0cIrTNjOubWKKKYTh7?si=c5a6a1bfe6ef44ba
- The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love, written by Dossie Easton, author and family therapist
- More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, written by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
- Ask Polyamory website: https://www.askpolyamory.com
References
- Haritaworn, J., Lin, C., & Klesse, C. (2006). Poly/logue: A Critical Introduction to Polyamory. Sexualities, 9(5), 515–529. doi:10.1177/1363460706069963
- Klesse, C. (2014). Polyamory: Intimate practice, identity or sexual orientation? Sexualities, 17(1-2), 81–99. doi:10.1177/1363460713511096
- https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/Polyamorous
- Copulsky, D. (2019). "15 At the Intersection of Polyamory and Asexuality". In Expanding the Rainbow. Leiden, The Netherlands: Brill. doi: https://doi-org.eur.idm.oclc.org/10.1163/9789004414105_016
- https://www.askpolyamory.com/home/faq-is-polyamory-a-choice-or-an-identity
- BARKER, M. (2005). THIS IS MY PARTNER, AND THIS IS MY … PARTNER’S PARTNER: CONSTRUCTING A POLYAMOROUS IDENTITY IN A MONOGAMOUS WORLD. Journal of Constructivist Psychology, 18(1), 75–88. doi:10.1080/10720530590523107