One of the most intimate experiences in a romantic relationship is the gradual process of revealing your more personal and vulnerable thoughts and feelings to another. While it can be frightening, it can form the basis of a beautiful, meaningful relationship based on trust and intimacy. But why do some people find it more difficult to self-disclose than others? This article tries to explore the meaning and difficulty of self-disclosure in the context of romantic relationships.
This article will explore:
- Self-disclosure & the Social Penetration Theory
- Self-esteem, fear of rejection & self-disclosure
- Self-concept clarity & self-disclosure
Self-disclosure & the Social Penetration Theory
Self-disclosure is the process by which people reveal personal information about themselves such as thoughts, feelings, and experiences (1). Psychological literature explains that self-disclosure forms the basis of developing intimacy and is related to greater levels of personal and relationship satisfaction (2). Indeed, the process of revealing personal thoughts and feelings is commonly accompanied by empathy, mutual understanding, and emotional closeness, all of which form the basis of an intimate relationship.
Self-disclosure is a central concept in the Social Penetration theory by Altman & Taylor (3). The theory explains that the development of a close relationship is closely tied to changes in communication. People start relationships with more surface level communication such as small talk, conversing about hobbies, interests, and the like, that are commonly known to many people. Then, these conversations shift to more personal information such as difficult experiences, values, and beliefs, indicating a more intimate relationship (3).
The success of reaching a more intimate relationship also depends on disclosure reciprocity (3). As one reveals personal information in a certain intimacy level, the other discloses information with a similar intimacy level, to create mutual understanding and emotional closeness. These drive the relationship to a more intimate stage. If reciprocity is missing, the relationship can potentially face a stage of deterioration, as can happen when one overshares or under-shares. Oversharing implies that the other partner is underprepared to get to know someone so intimately and as a response may distance themselves. Under-sharing implies an imbalance in the relationship. The partner who discloses may not want to disclose any further, hindering the relationship’s progress because depth is absent. The more in depth communication, brings greater opportunity for the person to feel vulnerable, which creates mutual trust (3).
Self-esteem, fear of rejection, & self-disclosure
Self-esteem, defined as one’s belief of one’s overall sense of value or worth, has been shown to relate to how much one self-discloses in a romantic relationship. Specifically, low self-esteem has been linked to low self-disclosure, and especially, to less disclosure of negative emotions and information about failures (2). This may be a self-protective strategy, as their avoidance to share negative aspects of themselves helps them avoid thinking and reflecting on their “negative” qualities (2). This is a negative reinforcement as they attempt to avoid negative consequences, which further motivate them to not self-disclose. On the other hand, their partner may feel that the relationship is at a standstill as they do not get the chance to be emotionally vulnerable together, empathize, and therefore, trust one another. Disclosing both positive and negative feelings and experiences are needed to create mutual trust.
Fear of rejection is also related to low self-disclosure (2,4). People who encountered persistent rejection in the past tend to develop a defense mechanism of suppressing their attachment needs, which include self-disclosing intimate aspects that help create a strong emotional bond (4). For example, instead of discussing negative experiences to ask for emotional support, these individuals tend to keep it within themselves, believing they will work it out alone, because they fear getting judged and therefore rejected. For them, self-disclosing can be a painful and frightening act.
Self-concept clarity & self-disclosure
Self-concept clarity is the degree to which one’s self concept and identity are clearly defined, internally consistent, and stable across time (2) Internal consistency refers to the extent to which one’s beliefs and personality attributes converge rather than conflict with one another (5). Literature suggests that low self-concept clarity is related to low self-disclosure in romantic relationships. This may be because the individual would rather limit their self-disclosure to a more surface level because of fear of disclosing inconsistent information that may confuse the partner (5).
Another reason is that those low in self-concept clarity tend to be more fearful of negative judgment from others. Instead of authentically self-disclosing, they may tell incorrect information about themselves to avoid being negatively evaluated, or to be seen in a more positive light. This however creates a loop, whereby the individual is constantly shifting their self-concept to garner others’ positive evaluations (5).
In conclusion, self-disclosure is a beautiful and intimate process that transcends romantic relationships to a deeper level. Getting to know someone more intimately opens up the possibility of being emotionally vulnerable together, creating a special bond based on trust and empathy. However, we now know that some people find it very frightening to self-disclose due to low self-esteem or low self-concept clarity. Many avoid self-disclosure as a protective strategy to avoid rejection. All in all, I think a main takeaway of this article is that fear of self-disclosure is not necessarily a bad thing, but something to fully acknowledge and understand to help partners decide how to move forward in a relationship together.
To learn more about emotional risk-taking in romantic relationships, check out my very talented friend’s (Georgia’s) article! https://www.shrinkitout.com/article/emotional-risk-taking-in-romantic-relationships
Bibliography:
- Altman, I., & Taylor, D. A. (1973). Social penetration: The development of interpersonal relationships. Holt, Rinehart & Winston.
- Tajmirriyahi, M., & Ickes, W. (2020). Self-concept clarity as a predictor of self-disclosure in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(6), 1873–1891. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520911131
- Altman, I., & Taylor, D. A. (1973). Social penetration: The development of interpersonal relation- ships. Holt, Rinehart & Winston.
- Simpson, J. A., & Campbell, L. (2013). The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships. Oxford University Press.
- Stopa, L., Brown, M. A., Luke, M. A., & Hirsch, C. R. (2010). Constructing a self: The role of self-structure and self-certainty in social anxiety. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48, 955–965.
Image sources:
- https://media.vanityfair.com/photos/5e46cde5337b3b00086a37c9/16:9/w_1999,h_1124,c_limit/portrait-of-a-lady-of-fire-lede.jpg
- https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/BEWIhoa3oDc65gwFlRCbZg--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTUwMDtoPTQwMA--/https://media.zenfs.com/en-US/homerun/hello_giggles_454/15c911ec077c36a0a95fc73907cc59d7