For the first time in my life, thoughts about my body are becoming less frequent. Or rather they are increasingly a background noise instead of being the soundtrack of my days. I don't know what to think because I fear that it's just a phase.

It feels more stable than my other moments though. My thoughts fluctuate less frequently from hate to adoration. It's as if my body is becoming less and less a part of me. It's strange because I feel a little lost, like I don't know where to turn or what to grab onto. It's pleasant to feel at peace, and stable but I kind of miss the highs. I miss the euphoria a little bit but with the awareness that happiness is something different. At the same time now I fear the highs.I have trouble recognising myself in those moments. Can you miss something and fear it at the same time?

the thoughts about my body intensify a lot randomly during the day but no longer have the power to ruin it for me. I try to understand what I feel when they intensify but everything appears very confusing. The feelings resemble a wave rolline me over and all of a sudden I am immersed in everything I used to feel in a more prolonged but subtle way. It happened to me last night when I decided to sleep without my pants because I couldn't find them. I knew I was not ready for this step because I am always more fragile at night. During the night I woke up to waves of emotions and, on the verge of tears, I forcefully touched my stomach and my legs. Kind of like to amplify the pain as much as possible.

This morning, however, I woke up and those thoughts appeared far away. I'm happy with the stability and clarity I'm slowly getting but I'm scared because it's all so new and I don't really know where to go or what voice to listen to. I guess I will just follow the path I am walking right now despite not knowing what, or if there is, a destination.

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