Think of the last time you tried letting go of something. Be it a behaviour, a person, or anything else. What did you notice in yourself? When was your point of acceptance and how was the process of letting go? Personally, the entire process itself is emotionally turbulent because it forces me to sit with my feelings and emotions of fear, anger, shame, and uncertainty. It’s a painful transition to change. This article will try to explain why it is that acceptance and letting go is so difficult. Using theories from psychotherapy, Buddhist theory, and mindfulness, we hope that you find some peace of mind through this article. 

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This article will discuss… 

1. Why is acceptance and letting go so difficult? 
2. The process of letting go 
3. The theory of nonattachment 

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Why is acceptance and letting go so difficult?

It’s a tricky question that we all gradually learn to live with. We all experience heartbreak, loss of a family member, difficult life transitions, and more. Because evolution instilled our anticipation to danger and to avoid pain, we don’t only feel the pain of immediate crises, but also by the very thoughts of having future crises. Everyone copes differently as a response to distress and difficult thoughts. Many blame others, while the rest blame themselves. Many resort to externalising their frustration and confusion, while others keep it bottled within themselves, hoping the pain would eventually fade (1). 

Acceptance is difficult because it goes against our instinct of immediately trying to solve a problem- to make things better. We have a natural attentional bias towards negativity, and we constantly craft our reality to be less negative. However, sometimes we may try to solve problems because we don’t want to confront reality. We fear the truth and so we do everything in our power to avoid those problems from actually showing. What often happens, though, is that we become so preoccupied with trying to avoid problems, that we forget to sit back and notice other better things that are going on in life (1).

‍We also tend to believe that acceptance means giving up control. Acceptance, though, is not simply being okay with what’s happening, but rather flowing along with it, not against it. In reality, we’re not losing, but gaining strength! Instead of giving away our energy by fighting away, or suppressing painful emotions, we can say to ourselves “I accept myself today, exactly the way I am”. By relinquishing control, we gain it (2). 

‍Letting go is also difficult because it means leaving behind the things that we believe make us who we are today. It might mean entering a new way of living. It is about leaving behind what is usual and comfortable for you, and that can be very scary because of all the new uncertainty. Initially, you may also believe that you simply can’t let go, and that it’s better to continue and let things work themselves out. This resistance, though, is natural and is part of the process of letting go (2).

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The process of letting go

According to Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages to letting go (3). 

1. Denial: The first stage is avoidance of reality. In this stage, we are usually in shock and disbelief and may try to convince ourselves that the problem doesn’t really exist or that it can still be fixed, and therefore is not worthy of so much fear. 
2. Anger: In this stage, we acknowledge the loss. Anger is a natural response to the perceived loss. You may ask questions like “Why me?”. Usually, to protect themselves, people tend to be angry at an external presence and not at themselves. 
3. Bargaining: In this stage, we may cling on to an irrational hope even when the facts say otherwise. This is the “what if’s”. We may be preoccupied with what could have been if we did something differently.
4. Grief: This is a natural reaction to loss of the person or situation. We may stop bargaining and frown at the present. In this stage, we may feel numb, wanting to withdraw from daily activities, or wanting to disappear for a while because everything seems “too much” to handle.
5. Acceptance: The last stage that marks the start of letting go is acceptance. At this point, we acknowledge the loss fully like never before. We may feel our emotions stabilising. We realise the situation cannot or should not be undone. It may not feel good, but just because it doesn’t feel good doesn’t mean we’re doing something wrong by walking away from an unhealthy situation. If the loss was not started by us, we realise that loss is a natural part of life and cannot be controlled by us. Instead, we can control our own reaction towards it. 

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The theory of non-attachment 

‍Buddhist psychology views attachment to people, objects, and situations as the root cause of “suffering”. Attachment is the result of seeing the self and the world as solid and consistent. In reality, everything changes and the only consistency there is, is change. We change- as we grow older, we may acknowledge and even embrace parts of ourselves that may seem contrasting to one another. We accept them, even though we may not understand them. Our surroundings change - the places we live in, the people that come and go. According to this theory, nonattachment is not apathetic detachment from the world. Rather, it brings relief from the fear of loss or separation that may be stemmed from having an illusory sense of the world as permanent. When one stops viewing everything as permanent, they also stop trying so hard to shape things into what they want (4). 

Non-attached individuals tend to live in the moment and strive for personal goals. They are less prone to distress or discomfort when pleasant experiences end or when goals are unmet. They accept and understand that changes are natural and opportunities will always come at the right time. An increasing number of literature shows that nonattachment is positively associated with subjective and psychological well being, harmonious relationships and a cheerful, warm interpersonal style (4). 

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Bibliography

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1. Ciarrochi, J., Hayes, L., Quinlen, G., Sahdra, B. K., Ferrari, M., & Yap, K. (2022). Letting Go, Creating Meaning: The Role of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in Helping People Confront Existential Concerns and Lead a Vital Life. In Springer eBooks (pp. 283–302). Springer Nature. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-06932-1_17
2. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change.
3. Wang, R., & Wang, Y. (2021). Using the Kübler-Ross Model of Grief with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): An Analysis of Manchester by the Sea. Metathesis, 5(1), 79. https://doi.org/10.31002/metathesis.v5i1.3700
4. Ho, C. S., Yu, B., & Mak, W. W. S. (2022). Nonattachment mediates the associations between mindfulness, well-being, and psychological distress: A meta-analytic structural equation modeling approach. Clinical Psychology Review, 95, 102175. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2022.102175

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