Personal Boundaries

Since we were kids, we were taught by our parents, and the culture around us, what is right and what is wrong, and about what acceptable behaviors look like. From these “rules”, we created values and personal boundaries. Boundaries are invisible barriers that help us ensure physical, emotional, and psychological safety. We all have them, but many of us struggle with defining or respecting them. As a result, we can feel exhausted, disrespected, emotionally drained, and underestimated. 

In this article, we will present:

• What are personal boundaries?
• Examples of personal boundaries
• Three styles of personal boundaries 
• Tips for healthier boundaries

What are personal boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set to ourselves and others to define what is acceptable, and what is not. They are influenced by the way we were raised, our values and culture, and they can change according to the settings and relationships. For example, someone can have different boundaries at work than those at home [1]. 

Some examples of personal boundaries include:

1. The level of physical intimacy. Truth be told, some of us do not consider it appropriate to touch or be touched, while for others this is not a big deal at all [4]. Cultural values greatly affect our general inclination to be physically tough. People in the Middle East, Latin America and Southern Europe are more open to physical intimacy and may seek it more than individuals from Asia, Africa and Arabian countries [3]. Physical boundaries can be violated when someone touches us without wanting them to. 
2. Our personal space. Some of us feel comfortable when someone is very close, while some others feel very disturbed by people invading their personal space. Again, culture plays a highly significant role at this point. People in the northern countries, like Finland, Norway, Sweden seem to have strict personal boundaries regarding their personal space, in comparison to people in Mediterranean countries, such us Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal [2]. Our boundaries regarding our personal space can be violated when someone stands very close to us, without desiring this. 
3. Verbal interaction with others. Each one of us can have a different way of interacting with the others, and this way can be different in diverse settings. For example, we talk differently to our friends, family members and partner, and differently to our employer, and to people we are not close with. Moreover, we have different boundaries regarding which words we consider acceptable from each person [1]. Boundaries regarding verbal interaction are violated when someone uses inappropriate words to put us down. 
   

4. Emotional boundaries. We set these in order to protect ourselves from undesired emotions. For example, we know we need to take some rest when we feel drained and exhausted. The feeling of tiredness makes us understand that we have reached our emotional boundaries, and we need to take care of our needs.  Another example is when someone does not want to get emotionally attached to a loving partner and they go away when they start feeling in love [5].  Emotional boundaries can be violated when someone criticizes us or invalidates our feelings. 

5. Time boundaries. These regard how we will spend our time. For example, some of us might feel that our time boundaries are violated when we need to work overtime, and throughout time, this could make us resign. However, some others that prioritize the value of working hard, might not feel violated by working overtime, but by wasting time speaking a lot with someone. In general, time boundaries can be violated when someone demands more time than what we are willing to offer. 

6. Material boundaries. These refer to how we spend our money and possessions. Some of us are very comfortable with spending money, and sharing things with others, while some others set higher limits on what to share and with whom. Material boundaries can be violated when someone steals or damages something that belongs to us.

Three boundaries’ styles

Personal boundaries play a vital role to our well being and to our relationships with ourselves and others. As I mentioned before, depending on the way we have learnt to put and perceive boundaries, we develop different boundary styles [6]. 

Three types of personal boundaries have been identified: 

1. Rigid boundaries. People with rigid personal boundaries are usually very strict with themselves and others. They try to avoid physical and emotional intimacy, trying to keep the others at a distance - at arm’s length in all senses. They are very reluctant to share personal information and they might seem to be very introverted. They can get easily angry with others, when they try to approach them, and they constantly feel that their personal boundaries are violated. Sometimes, by having rigid boundaries and a defensive attitude, they try to protect themselves from getting hurt [6]. An example is described below: 
   

Maria is 19 years old and grew up at a very conservative family. Her mother used to take her to church every Sunday, and she did not let her hang out with guys until the age of 18. She used to tell her that a man would only respect a woman who is dressed modestly. Moreover, she did not let her go out with female friends either, because she considered most of them inappropriate and a bad influence for her.  In this way, Maria developed strict values about interpersonal relationships, as well as she was constantly trying to keep everyone away, because she felt very uncomfortable having to say no all the time. Now Maria is 19-year-old, and she went to study to another city. Every time a guy approaches her, she feels anxiety as well as she gets the feeling that he violates her boundaries. Her fear of getting close to someone, and her guilty feeling of making the wrong choice encourage her to keep a distant stance toward others.

2. Porous boundaries. On the other side of the coin, many people have porous boundaries. These people usually seem to be dependent on others. They overshare personal information, even with people that they are not close to. They care a lot about others’ opinions, and they feel easily guilty for their problems. They suffer from fear of rejection, and hence they have a hard time saying no, even to the excessive demands of others. Many times, they end up feeling pressed, but they also believe that they will lose the others if they set their boundaries. They are vulnerable and susceptible to emotional manipulation by others. Most people that are subjected to multiple abusive behaviors have porous boundaries. They usually confuse the other people’s needs with their needs, and they feel more worthy when they satisfy others [6]. An example is described below:
   

Elena is 24-years-old. She is working full-time as a Developer at a multinational company, and she is studying for her master’s degree at the same time. Elena, in order to satisfy her manager, accepts to work on an extra project, even though she knows that she has to submit her MSc thesis by the end of next week. At the same time, a group of friends that she met a week ago asked her out for dinner tomorrow, and she could not say no to them. As a result, Elena feels very stressed and canceling any of the plans does not seem possible to her. She needs to find a way to satisfy everyone, otherwise she will feel very unsatisfied with herself. 

3. Healthy Boundaries. People with a healthy boundary style have a great balance. They know their values, and most importantly, they have consciously defined their values and they know why they are important to them. They also know what they need and what they want. Hence, their values, needs and desires guide their personal boundaries. They know when to say no to someone else, and how to communicate efficiently and assertively. They have flexible boundaries depending on the circumstances and the relationships. Setting limits to themselves and to others, they have healthier and more authentic relationships. They accept their positive and negative feelings, and hence, they do not need to keep everyone away (rigid boundaries), or everyone very close and satisfied (porous boundaries) [6], [7]. An example of healthy boundaries is described below.
   

John is 35-year-old, and he is married with one kid. He tries spend time with his wife every Saturday, and to go on a daily trip every Sunday with her and their son. John embraces the value that family is very important and he tries to value the time spent together. However, during last week, he worked hard, and he felt the need to get some more rest during the weekend. He recognized his need for personal care and he communicated it assertively and with respect with his wife and son. At first, his son got very upset and John offered him the space to express his disappointment. However, they found a common solution that they will watch a movie together at home, and that they will reschedule their trip for next week. 

Tips for healthy boundaries 

It is very important to be able to set clear and healthy boundaries, in order to live a full and satisfying life.  Like I said before, our boundaries depend on the context we’re in. 

However, only healthy boundaries allow us to

• form close and trusting relationships with others;
• feel more authentic to ourselves, since we act consciously regarding our needs, desires, and values;
• feel respected, because we stand up for ourselves, being aware of our worth and self-control. 

What can you do? 

1. The first step to enforce your personal boundaries is to recognize your values. It is valuable to take the time and write down what is important to you in life and what is not important to you and why. You can ask the question to your self “How do my values compare to the values of others? If you are not clear about your personal priorities, try the Personal Values worksheet Personal-Values-Worksheet.pdf (positivepsychology.com) from the PositivePsychology.com [9].
   

2. The second step is to define your personal boundaries in each area of your life (e.g., physical intimacy, emotional boundaries, material boundaries, time boundaries). This worksheet can help you during this step The-Personal-Boundary-Continuum-a-Self-Reflection-Tool.pdf (b-cdn.net) from PositivePsychology.com [9].

3. The third step is to recognize your needs and desires. This can be different from time to time. Your feelings can help you during this step. For example, when you feel exhausted, you might need to say no to a night out in order to rest [10]. 

4. The fourth and most important step is to communicate your boundaries and needs with others when needed. Be willing to say no when you do not want to do something and let the other person know, when they have crossed the line. For example, if someone yells at you, and you feel uncomfortable, you could say “ I understand that you are upset with me, but you can explain me without raising your voice”. Another example is a mother that wants her daughter to lose weight. The daughter, to set her boundaries, could say to her mother “I do not like when you make these comments for my weight. If you keep doing this, I will stop spending time with you”.  It is important to use the word “I” when you start a phrase, so that the other person does not feel attacked [11]. 

5. The fifth step is to be consistent with your boundaries. When you try to set your boundaries, but in the end, you get persuaded to do something not in alliance with your values, you will end up feeling upset with yourself and confused [11].

6. The last step and the hardest one is to be ready to cut off people that are constantly violating your boundaries. If someone has abusive behavior toward you and you feel often disrespected, underestimated and guilty, it is time to let it go.  It can be very hard to let people go, but in the long term, you will feel healthier and more fulfilled [11]. 

References

[1] Personal Boundaries: Types and How to Set Them | Psych Central

[2]. Personal Boundaries- Setting Limits for Yourself and Others (mantracare.org)

[3]Expression of Affection Through Touch Across Cultures | Society for Personality and Social Psychology (spsp.org)

[4]. Gallace, A., & Spence, C. (2010). The science of interpersonal touch: An overview. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 34, 246–259. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2008.10.004

[5]. https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/14198/setting-healthy-emotional-boundaries/

[6]. ▷ There are 3 types of personal boundaries, but only one is healthy (psychology-spot.com)

[7]. 1. Green, K. (2022). An exploration of setting healthy personal boundaries as a veterinary professional–part 1: at work and beyond. Companion Animal, 27(6), 96-101.

[8] Schutt, M. K. (2020). This World is Exhausting, don’t Let it Exhaust You: Setting Emotional Boundaries to Prevent Fatigue.

[9].How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships (positivepsychology.com)

[10].The power of no: how to build strong, healthy boundaries | Mental health | The Guardian\

[11]. 11 Simple Ways to Enforce Boundaries - wikiHow

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