While scrolling in anonymous forums to read people’s opinions about issues that still pose taboos, my attention caught the topic of the stigma of virginity in adulthood. It seems that "prolonged virginity" is deeply stigmatised, perceived as something negative and unattractive. Not only do people feel ashamed of being virgins, but they are also afraid to date someone that does not have sexual experiences. Let’s take a closer look.

This article will describe:

• Interview - Personal experiences
• Social Sexual Norms
• Social Status of Sexual Intercourse
• Sex Education

Interview - Personal Experiences:

The way that many people experience the stigma of being a virgin is described below with three real examples. There are some interesting key words and concepts they portray: what are they? do you notice? how do they make you feel?

Interviewer: Have you ever seen anyone being made fun of for being a virgin, even in the slightest way?

Anonymous 1: Yeah, it’s the concept of, like, you’re not a real man yet. You don’t know what you’re doing, [...]. It’s like you’re missing something, you’re not doing what you should be doing, like you’re not fulfilling your role of masculinity. In case that you’re having sex that’s not heteronormative, you’re less of a man . . . You’re a virgin, that makes you terrible or something. It’s just like, almost a pity like, why not? Why are you not doing it? Even if it was just a personal choice, yeah, I think it would be shameful. “Why are you not doing it?” They just wouldn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to be having sex, so it’s more like: “What’s wrong with you?”

Anonymous 2: I’d kept it quiet until it came out during a drinking game. I sat there awkwardly doing nothing while everyone else downed their drinks on the questions surrounding sex. I wished I was one of them. I never liked the idea of starting university as a virgin. I especially didn’t like waking up on my nineteenth birthday knowing I was still a virgin. I didn’t like the fact I’d been an adult for a year and I still hadn’t had one of the key experiences that takes you over the threshold of adolescence into adulthood. I thought I’d be an anomaly being a virgin at uni. I had the same perception that I think a lot of others have, that most people lose their virginity between the ages of sixteen and eighteen, a few a bit earlier. Losing your virginity later than people make out is acceptable, can make you feel unusual and, worse still, taken to be a characteristic of weirdness or a lack of lovability.

Anonymous 3: We live in an hypersexualized society where remaining virgin makes it pretty clear to others there is something "wrong" with us. We are undesirable. The longer you remain virgin, the more it makes it seem there might be something really wrong with you.

What really makes adults that have not had any sexual experience feel stigmatized? And why do many people avoid partners that are sexually inexperienced?

The social sexual norms and the social status connected to sex can give us some insight in answering these questions.

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Social Sexual Norms

According to the Social Clock Theory [5], important life transitions are easier when they occur within a timeframe similar to one’s peers. More precisely, there is a culture calendar that implicitly makes clear the age at which a certain personal experience is acceptable and exceptable to occur. Regarding sexual experiences, in most cultures, this timeframe is between the age of 16-18. Many studies explain that the more someone deviates from the norm, the more he/she will be likely to feel marginalized and stigmatized. In this way, adults are expected to have sexual experiences and those who do not belong to the norm, experience stigma [5].

Complying with social norms gives us a sense of belonging. Since, for many of us, it is important to feel that we belong in a society that accepts us, deviating from the social norm makes us feel that something is wrong with us. If we are adults and we do not have any sexual experience, we might wonder if something is truly wrong with us, having a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, and insecurity. On the other hand, we might hold ourselves back if we learn that someone we are dating is a virgin, making us wonder why they are “late”, perpetuating the stigma. The latter situations jeopardizes our sense of preparedness regarding our option to have a sexual intercourse with someone. Then, we might desperately seek to “lose our virginity” in order to be perceived by others as desirable [5].  

According to a study conducted by Donnelly and his colleagues [4] in an online community, virgins often feel and experience being late or absent for expected life transitions, such as “virginity loss”, which can negatively influence their overall well-being, feeling a sense of isolation.

Social Status of Sex Intercourse

According to identity theories, “adult virginity is conceptualized as a stigmatized identity” [1],[5]. The social status that is connected with prolonged virginity and sexual intercourse seems to play a significant role in virgin-shaming.

To begin with, sex for men has been recently more linked to a privileged masculine status [1]. It is connected, even unconsciously, to a sense of achievement and proven masculinity, as well as to an ability to reproduce. As we mentioned before, adolescence is the age that someone is expected to have the first sexual intercourse [5]. Not surprisingly, according to the literature [4], adolescent boys that have more sexual experiences seem to be more accepted from their peers. This “pseudomature” behavior becomes a marker of social status, and suddenly these peers are perceived as more mature, attractive, self-confident and independent.

However, there seems to be gender differences here. Males and females perceive differently the sense of acceptability through intercourse. More precisely, sexual intercourse is perceived as more acceptable for adolescent boys than girls [4], and more likeable boys may have more sexual opportunities, leading to a vicious circle. However, both genders are expected to have at least one sexual experience in twenties [4].  

So…

It is clear then how prolonged virginity could represent a lack of “proof” of masculine identity for men and a lack of feeling desirable in women [1]. As stigma undermines our status as virgins, it can play a pivotal role in the social experience of virgin-shaming, through the way that we perceive ourselves and we are perceived by others.

In the same study of Donnelly and his colleagues, the “virginity status” in adult life can bring to the surface feelings of shyness, isolation, and self-inadequacy. Both women and men may be anxious about their virginity status, but men are more likely to feel ashamed, leading some to either avoid or delay its disclosure. This might happen because they have internalized the social norm that they “should” be more experienced than women [3, 5].

According to another study by Gesselman and her colleagues (2017) [2], not only sexually inexperienced adults perceived themselves to be stigmatized, but they were also not highly desired as relationship partners. This study showed that the stigma of prolonged virginity can result in limited opportunities for romantic relationships.

Sex Education

Sex education could be the antidote to the stigmatization of prolonged virginity. Sex education is the provision of information about bodily development, sex, sexuality, and relationships, along with skills-building to help young people communicate about and make informed decisions regarding sex and their sexual health [6]. Truth be told, in most societies, teens are not offered sex education neither at school nor at home, since it is considered an awkward and delicate issue.

In my perspective, both parents and education systems should explicitly inform the teenagers about the stigmatization and the biases hidden behind sexual intercourse, virginity, and prolonged virginity. The consequences that stigma can have in someone’s life should be mentioned to raise people’s awareness and reduce social pressure.  

Moreover, sex education from teachers, parents and professionals could prevent young people from linking sexual experiences to a higher social status and to a sense of belonging and approval. Second, it is really important to make a step forward in detaching ourselves from the concept of “losing our virginity”, and acknowledge that all experiences of sex are valid and irrelevant of labels and identities.

Both males and females should be taught that sex is a choice, not a must, And that every sexual encounter should be based on respect, trust, and patience and not to social status, acceptance, self-confidence, and self-esteem.

We all should feel comfortable with our choices and in turn, our choices should come from our genuine desires and needs and not because of social pressure!

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Additional Sources:

[6]. https://www.cupidlimited.com/blog/importance-of-sex-education-in-todays-scenario/

[7]. https://schoolofsexed.org/blog-articles/2020/04/2/virginity

concealmenthttps://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2016.1144042

TV Series:

• Sex Education, Netflix Series: https://www.netflix.com/gr/title/80197526

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References:

[1] Fleming, C., & Davis, S. N. (2018). Masculinity and Virgin-Shaming Among College Men. Journal of Men’s Studies, 26(3), 227–246. https://doi.org/10.1177/1060826518758974

[2] Gesselman, A. N., Webster, G. D., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). Has Virginity Lost Its Virtue? Relationship Stigma Associated With Being a Sexually Inexperienced Adult. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 202–213. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1144042

[3] Carpenter, L. M. (2002). Gender and the meaning and experience of virginity loss in the contemporary United States. Gender and Society, 16(3), 345–365. https://doi.org/10.1177/0891243202016003005

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[4] Wesche, R., Kreager, D. A., Feinberg, M. E., & Lefkowitz, E. S. (2019). Peer Acceptance and Sexual Behaviors from Adolescence to Young Adulthood. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 48, 996–1008. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-019-00991-7

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[5] Leroux, A., & Boislard, M. A. (2022). Exploration of Emerging Adult Virgins’ Difficulties. Emerging Adulthood, 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968211064109