We all have that friend or family member (or ourselves) that has excessively high standards and overly critical self-evaluations. Doing everything perfectly is so pivotal to them, that sometimes they do not start at all, ending up procrastinating. Or of course, this friend could also be us. According to Matt Plummer, “A lot of perfectionistic tendencies are rooted in fear and insecurity”. Spending so much time and energy scheduling things up, thinking of how to do things perfectly, and how dramatically important it will be for us to achieve the perfect result could be a way to prove to ourselves and to others that we are successful, covering up our insecurities. In this article, I will dive into the trait of “perfectionism”, describing its relationship with self-worth and mental health. And of course, I will end up with some useful information about a more helpful way of dealing with it.
Perfectionism
... " in psychology, is a broad personality style characterized by a person's concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations” [1]. People with this trait usually strive to achieve unrealistic goals. Since those goals are unreachable, they end up feeling disappointed at themselves. Having a continuous sense of dissatisfaction, they tend to be the worst critics of themselves and of their work. Perfectionists usually engage in certain behaviors that maintain their perfectionistic beliefs. These can include correcting others, excessive checking, excessive organizing, and list-making [7].
(19) The Perils of Perfectionism - YouTube
Perfectionism and self-worth
To begin with, it is important to distinguish between being a high achiever and a perfectionist. Perfectionism is different from simply striving for excellence [2]. D. E. Hamachek in 1978, [1], pointed out two types of perfectionism, the normal/positive perfectionism, and the neurotic/ negative perfectionism.
Normal/positive perfectionists seem to have high standards and to be high achievers. They usually set realistic expectations, being aware of their potential. They do not think in terms of black and white about the result. More precisely, they want to do a good job and they put effort in this, but their motivation comes from the potential for success. Most importantly, they have more flexible thinking patterns and they do not measure their self-worth by their achievements. When they do not meet their expectations, they get frustrated, but the failure is not detrimental to them, and it does not have to say something about their identity. They will get self-satisfaction because of the effort they put in and of the fact that they were productive [1], [4].
On the other hand, neurotic/negative perfectionists set unrealistic goals, and they feel dissatisfied and disappointed when they cannot reach them. They think in terms of black and white/ all or nothing “I will either get the perfect result or it will be a complete failure”. Trying at the same time to overdeliver in everything, they set themselves up for failure. They worry a lot about making a mistake and they are afraid of being judged by others. In other words, they get motivated by the fear of criticism, failure or rejection. Being very self-critical, they negatively evaluate themselves for not bringing the perfect result. But how can they define “perfect”? It seems that no matter how hard they try, they are never satisfied with the result, since according to them “it could be better”. In this case, they measure their self-worth by the achievements that they have, and they easily label themselves as incompetent/ failure / stupid. Neurotic perfectionism is maladaptive and is not a synonym for excellence [2].
People who describe themselves as perfectionists tend to have an internalized voice, reminding them of all those strict rules that they have to follow in order to be successful and happy. Those voices are their “inner critic” that reminds them what they could have done better, no matter how hard they tried [3]. It feels like punishing themselves from not giving their best. This inner voice can be very life-depleting and energy-draining. According to Prof-Hewitt [3], “perfectionists are hugely hard on themselves”. It is not rare that sometimes they will not have the energy to start with a task at all, since they consume so much time thinking of how they will do it perfectly. In this way, they avoid doing certain things because they are afraid that they will not be able to meet their own standards. Examples of avoidance behaviors include failing to delegate, leave a task very quickly, indecisiveness, and procrastination [7].
Conditional self-worth goes hand by hand with negative/neurotic perfectionism. More precisely, they tend to think “I will be a good person, if I succeed in these tasks” or “I will be beautiful if I only lose 15 kilos” or “I will be happy only if I get promoted in 2 months”. Hence, their worth as human beings is related to their achievements. However, since most of their goals are unrealistic, they end up feeling unworthy, depressed, disappointed, demotivated, and mad at themselves [5]
How does this trait affect people’s mental health?
Negative/neurotic perfectionism interferes with mental health. Having constantly this internal voice (that can take the form of thoughts and images) can dramatically affect the quality of people’s life and cause psychopathology.
According to research, some pathological consequences of perfectionism include mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating disorders and personality disorders. Perfectionists are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders [3],[4]. Neurotic perfectionism targets more young people. According to recent studies, almost 30 percent of undergraduate students experience symptoms of depression, and perfectionism has been widely associated with these symptoms[3], [4].
Perfectionistic tendencies are positively connected with anxiety. According to studies [5], many of the people who suffer from anxiety disorders tend to be perfectionists. More precisely, perfectionism can be found in Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For example, people with Social Anxiety disorder are very afraid of being judged by others and they end up using excessive, perfection-seeking behaviors. As a result, socializing can be draining and stressful. Perfectionists can set very high standards for their social encounters and then, they negatively evaluate themselves for things they said. Moreover, once they go home, they can start ruminating about the conversations they had and about what went wrong [5].
Last, perfectionism is very common in Eating Disorders. Studies have shown that people with Eating disorders have higher levels of perfectionism than people who don't have eating disorders. They tend to be very strict with themselves, they have very strict rules and they judge negatively themselves when they decline from the perfect result [7].
Antidotes to perfectionism
If you found yourself resonating with what was mentioned until here, this part can be valuable to you as well. Undeniably, perfectionism can drain you a lot and can make you feel psychologically exhausted. On the other hand, it is hard to let it go, since in the short-term, it makes you feel more secure and balanced. But since you are barely satisfied with the result, those superficial feelings of secureness and balance are easily destroyed and replaced by disappointment.
To begin with, to tackle negative perfectionism, you first need to tackle the negative self- criticizing inner voice. Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy (CBT) can help you recognize and break your biased thinking patterns and find more realistic and flexible ways of thinking [8].
Perfectionists can ruminate a lot about the things that went wrong. It is important to identify what triggers your rumination and how you can stop it. Every time you feel the need to start ruminating, you can complete this worksheet Identifying-Perfectionist-Triggers.pdf (b-cdn.net) in order to get more insight on the situation. After having identified your triggers, you can challenge yourself by writing down a more self-compassionate and realistic belief. For example, if you have the belief “I should study 12 hours today in order to pass the exam, otherwise I will be a failure”, try to find a more flexible belief like “I will do my best, and then I will probably achieve a desirable result. However, if things do not go my way, this does not mean that I am a failure, I can always try again”. The more you practice this technique, the easier it will be for you to identify and change your self-critical thoughts into more self- compassionate ones. Last, it would help to answer the question “What would I say to my best friend, if they had the same thoughts”? Answering to this question will help you identify your cognitive biases [8].
Another important step that works as an antidote to perfectionism is to set goals. Realistic goal-setting will help you define all the steps that you need to take to achieve your goals. In this way, you will have a structure in mind, prioritizing what is important, and you will not get lost. This worksheet from PositivePsychology.com Goal-Setting-to-Manage-Perfectionism.pdf (b-cdn.net) could help you during this step.
Reevaluating your perfectionist standards is also a very helpful strategy to acquire a more flexible way of thinking and more realistic rules. You could write down your rules and standards and then think “are they higher than other people’s standards?” “How do your standards and rules help you achieve the desirable result? “What rules and standards could help you achieve your goals' '? [9] You will find out that some of your standards and rules can be unrealistic, leading you to a constant disappointment. Setting realistic standards will encourage you to be more flexible, open minded and efficient.
References
[1] Perfectionism (psychology) - Wikipedia
[3] The effects of perfectionism on mental and physical health (medicalnewstoday.com)
[4] Geranmayepour, S., & Ali Besharat, M. (2010). Perfectionism and mental health. Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 5(2), 643–647. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sbspro.2010.07.158
[5] Perfectionism and Anxiety: How Perfectionism Affects Mental Health
[6] Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., & Heisel, M. J. (2014). The destructiveness of perfectionism revisited: Implications for the assessment of suicide risk and the prevention of suicide. Review of General Psychology, 18(3), 156–172. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000011
[7] Perfectionism in People With Eating Disorders (verywellmind.com)
[8] How to Overcome Perfectionism: 15 Worksheets & Resources (positivepsychology.com)
[9] How to Manage Your Perfectionism (hbr.org)