Many students or workers living abroad are not foreign to this empty and, perhaps, aching feeling of loneliness. Whether you’ve been living abroad for a while or you’ve just moved, we all have our own stories of loneliness. For example, the person who decides to stay abroad longer than their friends may feel lonely as they have to adapt to a balance without them. The person who has just got here may find adaptation to this foreign country challenging. Loneliness can look different for everyone. This article will firstly introduce loneliness and explain its theories. Then, these theories will be connected to the loneliness faced by people living abroad. Finally, we end with some helpful tips on how to deal with this unpleasant feeling.

I will go through:

• Loneliness: Theories
• Loneliness in Expats
• Tips to Deal with Loneliness Abroad :)

Loneliness: Theories

Loneliness can be defined as a subjective gap between one’s desired and actual levels of social relationships [3]. Therefore, it is not necessarily a lack of social connections that influence loneliness, but the realization that one’s actual relationship quantity or quality does not match with what the quantity/ quality they desire. Someone with many social connections may still feel lonely because they do not have one very strong emotional connection, and they view this presence very important. Or, someone with a very close best friend may still feel lonely when they realize that they do not integrate well with other people, and they find this integration with others very important.

I’m sure that most of us have felt lonely even if we have friends, even with our friends! We must remember that it has nothing to do with how many people we have around us.

US. Therapist and author Robert Weiss posits two kinds of loneliness: emotional and social loneliness [7].

1. Emotional loneliness is accompanied by the perceived absence of an important, close and emotional bond with another person. This reflects the first example given above, and can refer to a best friend or a lover.
2. Social loneliness is accompanied by one’s lack of integration into a social network, so the second example.

Cognitive approach

The cognitive approach to loneliness states that loneliness is characterized by distinct differences in perceptions and attributions [6]. People who feel lonely are more likely to have a pessimistic view of their current environment: for example, they are more likely to believe that they do not “fit” with the people in their surroundings. In addition, they are more likely to blame themselves for not being able to achieve fulfilling relationships, which can introduce their perceived social incompetence or inability to disclose in closer relationships. Taking into account Weiss’ theory, failure to meet social and emotional needs, and negative perceptions about oneself and the environment can result in feelings of loneliness. This process can work through self-fulfilling prophecy: one’s perceived poor social skills or belief that they are too different from others to get along well, may result in social withdrawals and blaming oneself for their incompetence in social relationships. Responses from the environment can strengthen the person’s perception, leading to more social withdrawal, and gradually negatively influence social skills.

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Loneliness in Expats

Now, we try to understand loneliness in expats. Perhaps you are a worker or a student living abroad. If you relate, try to reflect on your own experiences as you read.

When expats move to a new country, they enter a process called cross-cultural adjustment, where they attempt to understand their host country’s culture and try finding ways to function effectively [8]. They are confronted with multiple stressors, such as the threat of losing contact with friends at home, missing the family, change of routines, and difficulties with cultural differences in peers [9]. These negative experiences that characterize a major change in one’s life can be experienced as stressful and isolating. When one concludes that they feel “they do not belong” in the environment, it may be accompanied by feelings of loneliness.

Ward and colleagues suggest that adaptation consists of two layers: psychological and sociocultural adaptation [5,8]. Psychological adaptation is how well one adapts into the new culture, and this is assessed by how they cope with the stress that accompanies the intercultural transition [8,9]. Sociocultural adaptation is the efficiency and satisfaction derived from one’s achievements of everyday goals in the new culture and it is provided through a culture learning process (eg. culture-specific skills and norms) [8]. Negative coping with the stress of intercultural transition and lack of achievement of the new culture-specific skills (a.k.a. low adaptation) may induce feelings of loneliness [8,9]. According to Bierwiaczonek and Waldzus, adjustment is not binary, but a continuum. So, people constantly perceive and construe their environment to a greater or lesser extent, giving rise to fluctuating attitudes and feelings to the environment [4].

We can easily link the theories described in the previous section to people living abroad. Expats face the challenge of having to adjust to their host country. These challenges may influence negative views on the self and environment, such as feeling out of place in both social groups and the culture. This belief may stop them from continuing trying to navigate through new social groups and environments, exacerbating the likelihood of social or emotional loneliness as they feel that their desired social needs are unmet.

Have you moved abroad and felt this way? If so, how did you try to deal with it? Did you feel like your loneliness was valid or not?

Tips to Deal with Loneliness Abroad

As usual, here are some tips for when you feel lonely :) (helpful whether you live abroad or not)

1. Open up about it with friends / Connect with other expats

Connecting with others experiencing a similar situation may make you feel less alone. Even though they may not necessarily share that loneliness, sharing experiences about the challenges living abroad gives an opportunity to learn from how others cope [1]. Furthermore, sharing positive experiences with similar others can enhance positive feelings and make your experience abroad more exciting.

2. Behavioral activation

Sometimes, our behavior of constantly staying at home instead of going out may be to induce blame for our feeling of loneliness. Indeed, when we shy away from going to foreign public places due to unfamiliarity, we are less likely to learn about our environment and more likely to feel unacquainted. It can be of importance to immerse yourself fully in the environment through activities like walking around the neighborhood, going to local cafes, or chatting with the local shopkeeper [1]. These experiences can familiarize us with the place. The more we explore the new place the more likely we are to encounter new friends and satisfying experiences.

3. Create a routine

Creating a daily schedule that includes fun activities can make you feel in control of the situation [1]. Instead of coping with loneliness by isolation, it may help to create a productive and healthy schedule. This can challenge the idea that you are incapable of adjusting to the new environment, because you’re constantly doing activities and learning new things.

4. Develop problem-solving skills

Loneliness can be overwhelming. One way of coping in a healthy way is to develop problem solving skills [2]. Problem-solving skills include two different problem orientations (positive & negative), which refer to one’s perception and evaluation of the challenges and one’s own abilities to overcome them. It also includes problem-solving styles (rational, impulsive-careless, avoidant), which refer to the actions individuals take to overcome the challenge. Effective problem solving includes the idea that one is able to overcome a challenge with time and effort. A rational style of problem solving is characterized by rational planning and evaluation rather than avoiding or waiting until the last minute to resolve a problem.

5. Acceptance

One thing is certain: Feeling alone is normal! and it’s valid! no matter how many friends you have. Also, living abroad is full of uncertainty and (sometimes not so nice) surprises. The constant need to adjust can be very tiring indeed. It’s important to realize that it’s okay to feel this way sometimes and this is not a process you can rush.

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Additional sources:

Movies that will keep you company 🙂

1. Lost in Translation (2003) by Sofia Coppola
2. Amélie (2001) by Jean-Pierre Jeunet
3. The perks of being a wallflower (2012) by Stephen Chbosky

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References

1. 9 tips for dealing with loneliness abroad. (2019, November 6). The InternGroup. https://www.theinterngroup.com/our-blog/how-to-cope-with-loneliness-abroad/
   
   
2. Abpp, P. A. N. M., Abpp, N. C. P. M., & PhD, D. T. (2012). Problem-Solving Therapy: A Treatment Manual (1st ed.). Springer Publishing Company.
3. Bahr, H. M., Peplau, L. A., & Perlman, D. (1984). Loneliness: A Sourcebook of Current Theory, Research and Therapy. Contemporary Sociology, 13(2), 203. https://doi.org/10.2307/2068915
4. Bierwiaczonek, K., & Waldzus, S. (2016). Socio-Cultural Factors as Antecedents of Cross-Cultural Adaptation in Expatriates, International Students, and Migrants. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 47(6), 767–817. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022116644526
5. Black, J. S., & Stephens, G. K. (1989). The Influence of the Spouse on American Expatriate Adjustment and Intent to Stay in Pacific Rim Overseas Assignments. Journal of Management, 15(4), 529–544. https://doi.org/10.1177/014920638901500403
6. Hawkley, L. (2018, December 6). loneliness | psychology. Encyclopedia Britannica. https://www.britannica.com/science/loneliness
7. Robert S. Weiss. (1987). Reflections on the present state of loneliness research. Journal of Social Behavior and Personality. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1988-26577-001
8. Ward, C., & Kennedy, A. (1993). Psychological and Socio-Cultural Adjustment During Cross-Cultural Transitions: A Comparison of Secondary Students Overseas and at Home. International Journal of Psychology, 28(2), 129–147. https://doi.org/10.1080/00207599308247181
9. Ward, C., & Kennedy, A. (2001). Coping with Cross-Cultural Transition. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 32(5), 636–642. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022101032005007

Image sources:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Automat_%28Hopper%29
2. https://elephant.art/artworks-perfectly-capture-isolation-23032020/

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