An article by Guardian titled "I can’t come to terms with my boyfriend’s female friendships" deals with a jealous girlfriend who is checking his boyfriend’s phone and feeling uncontrollably scared that he will cheat on her, without much proof at all. She explains that the fact that he had invited a female colleague to his place to eat after golfing, while there was also another man present was enough to make her feel terrified. I think we can all, at least to some extent, recognize that little stinging feeling in our chest when a person we are attracted to, be it our partner or a distant crush, expresses some interest in another person and we feel threatened. In this article, we are going to dive into what jealousy is, what evokes it, how it interacts with the binary genders, how it is related to attachment styles and how it is related to and different in non-monogamy.
This article includes:
- Definition of jealousy
- Attachment perspective
- (Binary) gender differences
- Compersion as the opposite of jealousy in non-monogamy
What is it?
Jealousy can be defined as an emotional state that comes about when one perceives a threat to something valuable, like an important relationship [1]. In other words:
‘Jealousy is a cognitive, emotional and behavioural response to a threat to an interpersonal relationship’ [Guerrero et al. in 2]. However, this latter view does not take into account the fact that sometimes the threat is not realistic at all, and one only perceives it as such. So jealousy can be warranted but also unwarranted. This is important to consider because jealousy in its extreme cases can lead to “violence, including partner abuse, assault, and homicide” and thus should be taken seriously [2]. It is also noteworthy that different people interpret different behaviours as threats and this can be linked to attachment in their earlier relationships [2].
Attachment perspective
According to the attachment perspective, people's earlier attachments, especially in childhood, shape the way in which people relate to other people later in life, and also how and why they experience jealousy. To put it simply, people who are securely attached are able to trust others and thus experience less jealousy and are also able to deal with it constructively; for example through communication. People who are anxious-, avoidant- and/or ambivalent- attached have a harder time trusting people and hence will feel more jealous and not necessarily be able to deal with it constructively [3]. This is, of course, a gross generalization, which should not be read literally. It is a simplified account of the ways in which attachment theory looks at the relationship between attachment and jealousy.
(Binary) Gender differences
Jealousy can be separated into emotional jealousy and sexual jealousy. Rather straightforwardly, emotional jealousy is about fearing that your partner is emotionally interested or invested with someone else. Sexual jealousy is about fearing the physical and sexual intimacy of your partner with someone else [2]. There are several studies conducted about gender differences around experiencing jealousy. Most of these studies take the standpoint of evolutionary psychology. It has been hypothesized, and to some extent also proved, by a variety of studies that there exist some gender differences in experiencing jealousy, namely in what kind of things evoke jealousy. A notable evolutionary perspective, as stated by Buss et. al.
“In species with internal female fertilization, males risk both lowered paternity probability and investment in rival gametes if their mates have sexual contact with other males. Females of other species do not risk lowered maternity probability through partner infidelity, but they do risk the diversion of their mates’ commitment and resources to rival females” [1].
To put it more simply: if the female is unfaithful to a male partner, the male can not be sure if the child is his and therefore is not able to be sure he is continuing his family. This makes the males more concerned about their female partner’s sexual infidelity rather than emotional attachments. However, if a female’s male partner is unfaithful the female might risk his commitment and the flow of resources from him to her and thus risk the future of her offspring. This is why females are seen to be more concerned with emotional infidelity in comparison to sexual infidelity [1].
It is obvious that these studies are very heteronormative, enforce the binary gender and lack nuance. They also have a very biologically deterministic outlook on human behaviour. However, the studies conducted do point towards significant gender differences, so this point should not be fully sidelined. David Buss and others researched the gender differences in subjectively experiencing jealousy. They investigated which one men and women found the worse, the sexual or emotional investment of their partner to another person. They created questionnaires that stated simple questions asking which of the following the participants would find more bothersome: their partner being emotionally interested/engaged with someone else or their partner being sexually interested/engaged with someone else. The results showed that 60% of the men found their female partner’s sexual infidelity worse, whereas 83% of women opted for their male partner’s emotional investment in someone else as being worse [1].
However, more recently there has been some doubt about the accuracy of this evolutionary outlook as many of the studies have been based on a very simple question forcing men and women to state which one they would find more unsettling, emotional or sexual infidelity. However, when men and women were asked how upsetting they would find each of these categories individually, the differences are not significant [2].
An alternative to jealousy: Non-monogamy and compersion
Moreover, romantic and sexual jealousy studies have mostly focused on monogamous couples. However, the visibility of non-monogamy as an alternative relationship structure has increased in the last years and has brought an alternative to jealousy; compersion.
Compersion is a term used in non-monogamous relationships, to describe a feeling that is a sort of an opposite of jealousy. It describes a positive feeling experienced when one’s own partner is intimate with another person [4]. In other words: “Compersion means to feel joy and delight when one’s beloved loves or is being loved by another” [4]. I could write a whole other article about compersion and what it means in the non-monogamous community. However, from this, I find it important to keep in mind that not everyone experiences jealousy and some people can even find enjoyment in the things that ‘traditionally’ are only seen as a catalyst for jealousy. Furthermore, it is also important to keep in mind that non-monogamous relationships are not immune to jealousy and feeling compersion is not a reality for many [4].
Author’s note: Now after having given definitions to jealousy, having discussed the attachment perspective, the evolutionary model and jealousy as well as its opposite compersion I hope what stays with you from this article is that feeling jealousy is normal, but dealing with it constructively; like for example through open and honest communication, is essential to healthy and functional relationships.
Additional resources:
About compersion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njKafVtQ1v8&ab_channel=ThePersonalityNetwork
How to deal with jealousy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Wq9eQialmU&ab_channel=MatthewHussey
Dealing with Jealousy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rcqwRgVvvw&ab_channel=watchwellcast
References:
- Buss, D. M., Larsen, R. J., Westen, D., & Semmelroth, J. (1992). Sex differences in
jealousy: Evolution, physiology, and psychology. Psychological science, 3(4), 251-256.
- Hyde, J. S., & DeLamater, J. D. (2008). Understanding human sexuality. McGraw-Hill
Higher Education.
- Knobloch, L. K., Solomon, D. H., & Cruz, M. G. (2001). The role of relationship
development and attachment in the experience of romantic jealousy. Personal Relationships, 8(2), 205-224.
- Brunning, L. (2020). Compersion: An Alternative to Jealousy?. Journal of the
American Philosophical Association, 6(2), 225-245.