The previous article was about the forced feelings of happiness that can come with the holidays, and how we check in with ourselves and others, to normalize not being okay during this time. We have all experienced this feeling of being completely absent when visiting our family during the winter holidays, right? It does not stop there of course. Sometimes we tend to be absorbed by whatever is happening in our own micro-world and in the end we miss moments, chances and situations that might teach us something, or be fulfilling. Don’t let these thoughts turn you down though. How can you feel more connected? How can you focus more on your present? Mindfulness is a discipline that has long been dealing with this problem and has already suggested some solutions for you. Here you will have the honor- just kidding- to read our own experiences of how we try to stay present (or accept feeling absent) during the holidays.
Let’s recap: Mindfulness
Mindfulness is characterized by an attentional awareness to fluctuating experiences of the individual, and an attitude of curiosity or thoughtfulness to the various reactions to these experiences. The intention is to identify and understand thoughts and feelings without being reactive to them. It is about noticing bodily sensations and feelings that accompany them. Negative feelings can be so uncomfortable to experience. However, realizing and accepting them can give us a better understanding of what underlies them. With this understanding in mind, we may also be less likely to engage in impulsive, “feel good” behaviors in an attempt to diminish these feelings, because we are equipped with better steps to take in order to diminish these feelings [1].
“The concept of mindfulness generally has been conceptualized in the scientific literature as fundamentally involving a highly receptive, nonjudgmental awareness of and attention to whatever is present in the moment – whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral”. [2]
How can we stay present?
In order to stay present during this time of the year it is important to slow down and plan things in a way that allows you to spend sufficient time with the important people in your life, or in doing the things you love.
How about a digital detox? This means refraining from using your smartphone or anything that involves screens: laptop, tv etc. This will definitely improve your social experiences, by enhancing the attention you pay to others [3]. Obviously phones are such an integrated part of our daily life that it’s almost impossible to be without… but we can all try to reduce our screen time and see if that changes our overall mood. I suggest a good book by Goodin: Stop Staring at Screens: A Digital Detox for the Whole Family [4].
Mindful breathing exercises are also very good to wind down and reduce states of anxiety [5]. If the holiday time becomes overwhelming, you could take a moment and do some simple breathing exercises to reconnect with yourself [6].
Another method that can help you (and ultimately your loved ones) is to create an overall positive atmosphere, which can start with yourself! By practicing positive self talk [7], and doing gratitude exercises every day could translate into a more positive environment: at the end of the day we receive what we put out there :)
In general, take care of yourself. It’s a holiday after all so relax, don’t overwhelm yourself! Personal Tip: What really helps me to stay grounded is my smart watch that literally reminds me to drink water, do breathing exercises and move more often. Although it sounds silly, being caught in daily activities can make us forget what is of basic importance. Try it out if you think it could work!
Our Team’s Personal Experiences
Everyone in our team celebrates Christmas during the winter holidays, and here are their experiences. See if you relate :)
Demi
Once I start thinking about winter holidays, usually I feel a knot down in my stomach. This knot is composed of all the images, feelings, smells and tastes I have kept sacredly in my memory but also all the trips, friends and family that are always the protagonists of this holiday. To be honest with you, I have not spent many winter holidays with my family since I became an adult. I always consciously chose to spend this time with my friends, the family I have created to accompany me in life. However, sometimes I visit half of my family in Tsaritsani (a village in Thessaly, Greece), where I always try to erase from my mind all habits, and clear the trivial thoughts of everyday life that surround me in the city. I consider this a path towards the feeling of being present. Once I am in close proximity with elements such as the fireplace, homemade pies and fresh vegetables directly from grandma's garden I tend to surrender to this feeling of belongingness, to a feeling that I share with myself only outside the big city. Sometimes it is hard to feel completely in place, to feel the passing of time and understand the people around you, since everything in life and contemporary society is very ‘’liquid’’ and messy. Everyone is trying to make sense, to create their greater picture with scattered pieces of news, input from social media, social interactions and anxiety about duties. Distractions are everywhere. They are there during holidays as well, they are hard to escape. Being mindful and knowledgeable of your present place and of the people surrounding you is very important as it is a constant reminder that life has two sides. That everyone needs a break, but most importantly the need to connect with other people. For this to happen, I need an escape, I need a place that I do not interact with often, and that does not resemble daily life as I experience it.
Tasina
(Studying in Morocco and France, returning home to Santa Cruz, California)
As a nomad, my two favorite things in life are coming and going; writing new chapters and passing through the same ones again. It is an endless loop of arrivals and departures— each completing the other, helping me make sense of my life. I no longer live with my family, but of course, when I come home, I do. It makes for a strange sensation, adjusting to the shift. Being in the young years of my independent adult life, I often feel so changed and characteristically enlightened with every new experience-filled month that goes by, but it is almost a guarantee that once I return to the doorstep of my family’s home, I will find I haven’t changed so much at all. When it is at the same dinner table we have sat at for every December of my twenty years of life, I feel as if my tales do not come across the same; their flavor of novelty is not communicated correctly, and it frustrates me.
But I love my hard-headed relatives. I would be ignorant not to. They are my relatives; in a traditional sense, they are all I have. I must come to them for answers. The way time freezes when I come to see them is a helpful indicator and reminder of who I remain, despite all my escapades and so-called enlightenments about life. They are my lighthouse when I am the ship at sea, sending out signals when I’ve swum into dangerous waters. They watch from afar with caution; and when I return to the shore, I know I can rest in their comfort. The role of Land was never to understand the overwhelming Sea, but rather to bode perspective in its contrasting stability. This is what my family means to me.
Georgia
For me, winter holidays represent Christmas. When I hear the word “Christmas”, plenty of feelings and memories pop into my head. But the most relevant one for me is the feeling of security that comes with it. It’s been six years since I haven’t lived with my family anymore. During these years, I have lived in Thessaloniki, Rome and The Netherlands. However, no matter where I was, Christmas is always the time to return to my hometown, in Corfu. My family and friends are waiting for me. This sense of belonging, love, excitement and security is what is hidden inside the word “Christmas”. It feels like going back to my “safe place”. And this safe place has nothing to do with a house. It has to do with the people, my people. Only by thinking of it, a feeling of warmth “inundates” me. The younger I was, the less mindful and conscientious I was during all those family moments in Christmas. I remember myself sitting on the table, always thinking of the time I could go back out with my friends to have fun, taking these moments for granted. However, year after year, I have genuinely come to appreciate those moments and realize how valuable they were, and are. Each year spent away from my family makes me look forward to Christmas time more and more. Right now, I cannot wait to go back to Corfu with a promise to myself, to be there mentally and physically.
Keisha
Younger me always had difficulties with staying present in the moment. My mind was always occupied with the future, and countless ideas and thoughts on how to achieve things. This made me take simple moments for granted. One of my fondest memories was having random conversations about many, many topics with my dad in cafes. I remember clearly the smell of freshly brewed coffee. I remember my dad’s attentive face, listening to my ideas, quoting ideas from movies and books. We would talk for hours about social issues, history, film, and so on… It’s crazy to think that those moments were part of my everyday life. Looking back, I enjoyed them immensely, but I never really realized how lucky and blessed I was to spend those moments with my dad. To me back then, it was just another day. I was never “thankful” for it. I was just “satisfied”. When I moved to Amsterdam, I missed moments like these immediately. Calling my parents and little brother from back home is indeed not the same at all. That’s why I consider myself very lucky now that they’re visiting Amsterdam this winter break. I can’t wait to see how tall my little brother has grown-it’s indeed been 3 years. I can’t wait to see how much happier my mom has become since she started prioritizing her hobbies. I can’t wait to hear about the new books my dad has been reading. Most of all, I can’t wait to just spend my winter with them in my Amsterdam apartment. I will try to count the little things that make me happy. This winter break, I promise to be *there* physically, emotionally, and mentally. And I hope you get to do the same too <3.
Diana
My heart is split in three, and the last piece in three more. Although I grew up in Romania, when I was 21 I moved to Belgium with my close family. When I turned 23 I moved to the Netherlands to study, the place where I am today. If I can sum it up, Christmas to me means running towards the things I cannot have, in an endless hope for happiness.
Back in Romania actually, while growing up, my last desire was to spend Christmas dinner with my family. All I wanted was to be with my friends, to go away to some wood cabin in the mountains with them for the holidays. At that point living with family became overwhelming, and holidays for me were a time to take a break from my own environment. Sitting back and reflecting outside your daily environment can be actually very beneficial as it creates a different perspective on your life.
Fast forward to 18, my parents moved to Belgium and I remained alone in Romania. My friends became my family for a few years, a time during which my bond with them got stronger. So the Christmas period turned into one of the few times I could see my parents. After a couple of years, I left, and my friends left.…and puff, my second family was gone too. Things have moved 180 degrees for me and this was the time I slowly started to grow up, prioritize things and realize what is really important to me.
Now that I live in the Netherlands, I have a tremendous appreciation for where life has brought me. Without experiencing the lack of family warmth, my desire to go back home would not have been that strong. For some years now, every winter holiday, I try to make time to visit my family in Belgium and spend some weeks with them. Our love language is offering gifts, so I prepare thoroughly before going home to make sure everyone feels appreciated. In order to stay present we always try to have dinner together, do sports or have some interesting “no phone allowed” activities.
The reason my heart is split in three is for all these places I call home, and the reason the last is also divided in three is for all the places my friends have gone. For me, experiencing people and events in small doses makes me appreciate them more and be more attentive when in the moment.
Try to think about you. Where do you feel most present?
Don’t be shy. Share your experiences on Think On Ink or on the comments.
We wish you a mindful, present holiday!
Additional Sources:
- Why it is so hard to live in the present – School of life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSE6ZIaEFHM
- Book: Wherever you go, there you are – Jon Kabat-Zinn
- Taking it one day at a time – School of life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhWFddWz1Nk
- Movie: About Time (one of the best movies ever!)
References:
- Bostic, J. Q., Nevarez, M. D., Potter, M. P., Prince, J. B., Benningfield, M. M., & Aguirre, B. A. (2015). Being Present at School. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 24(2), 245–259. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chc.2014.11.010
- Kiken LG, Lundberg KB, Fredrickson BL. Being present and enjoying it: Dispositional mindfulness and savoring the moment are distinct, interactive predictors of positive emotions and psychological health. Mindfulness (N Y). 2017 Oct;8(5):1280-1290. doi: 10.1007/s12671-017-0704-3. Epub 2017 Mar 29. PMID: 29312472; PMCID: PMC5755604.
.
- Mehmet, E. M. E. K. (2014, August). Digital detox for the holidays: are we addicted?. In Proceedings of European Academic Conference on Business Tourism & Apply Sciences in Europe & America 2014. International Conference on Tourism Transport & Technology ICTTT (pp. 1-3).
- Goodin, T. (2018). Stop Staring at Screens: A Digital Detox for the Whole Family. Hachette UK
- Cho, H., Ryu, S., Noh, J., & Lee, J. (2016). The effectiveness of daily mindful breathing practices on test anxiety of students. PloS one, 11(10), e0164822.
- Adair, K. C., Fredrickson, B. L., Castro-Schilo, L., Kim, S., & Sidberry, S. (2018). Present with you: Does cultivated mindfulness predict greater social connection through gains in decentering and reductions in negative emotions?. Mindfulness, 9(3), 737-749.
- Williams, S. C. Winter Wellness Guide to Holiday Stress.
- Gonzales, C. (2021). Make this Holiday Season Different. Strategies.