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Our attraction towards other people have changed a lot in years, but some fundamentals remain the same. Moreover, the initial attraction highly depends on how close someone is to us (literally), how attractive we find the other person and how similar we are to each other. Why are we attracted to these features? Can different people work out to become good couples? What should you look for in a partner? 

This article will focus on:

• How does attraction work?
• Do opposites really attract each other or is this another myth? 

How does attraction work?

Have you ever thought about your partner(s) and asked yourself: Why am I even attracted to them? Well, let’s see what the possibilities are.Throughout the 1900s there have been many factors found to be associated with being attracted to someone here are 3 of them[9]:

• Physical attractiveness: Even though it is hard to admit this fact, our initial attraction to someone mostly revolves around how they look physically. Beauty has become a marketable feature all around the world. The more attractive you are perceived, the higher the chances are of someone liking you. Certain characteristics that make someone handsome/beautiful are: having a good-looking skin, a symmetrical face, good teeth, nice smile, and youthful features. After reading these sentences, you may be curious about why physical attractiveness plays such a crucial role in attraction. There is a phenomenon called the physical attractiveness stereotype[9]. It is defined as people assuming that attractive individuals are more likely to be good people that portray wanted characteristics such as intelligence, warmth, being sociable and so on[9]. 
• Proximity: Nowadays, long distance relationships (LDR) are more common around the world. This is mostly due to advances in technology, and being able to connect with people beyond borders. Still, we are probably going to end up marrying someone around our circle (e.g. from our hometown, current city, university friendships or workplace friendships). Indeed, being close to someone (literally) plays a big role in them being attracted to you. For example, do you remember how you became friends with your highschool best friend? I sat next to my current best friend 8-9 years ago and then the rest was history. This is quite common and it is called proximity liking[2,9]. When it comes to talking about proximity, an important concept to mention is mere exposure[7,9]. People are more likely to go for the option they see frequently compared to a choice that they do not see that often. A 1992 study demonstrates this very well. The authors asked different female confederates (who looked alike) to attend classes throughout the semesters. They differed when it came to how many times they attended the classes (none, five, ten and fifteen). They were just asked to sit in the class and they did not have to engage in making conversations with other students. At the end of the semester, when the students were asked how much they liked each confederate, this is what they found: the more the confederates attended classes, the more attractive they were rated[7].  
• Similarity: Imagine this: you are attracted to a person and you live close to each other[9]. Now, the most important part for this “thing” to turn into a relationship revolves around being similar to each other. For instance, you would want to learn their views on social matters, values and beliefs about the world around us. If certain values are not in line, then your attraction can decrease and you may get discouraged because you do not see them as a good match anymore. Another example would be that, if you and your partner do not share the same beliefs when it comes to marriage (e.g. one of them wants to get married and the other one does not believe in marriage) then this will create big problems in the relationship unless the couple finds a commonground [9]. Naturally, this does not mean that you cannot disagree or have different opinions, but the larger your differences are, especially when it comes to values, the harder it is to stick together. 

So, do opposites really attract or is this another myth?

In this section, we are going to look at some studies that have investigated whether opposites attract or not. This idea has been examined in multiple life contexts such as: work life, private life etc. For example, a study conducted in 2017 [3] investigated 1523 couples and compared their attitudes, characteristics and values. The authors concluded that the key to many relationships are based on high levels of similarity between partners. Additionally, they discussed that similarity is found in different traits such as trust, self-disclosure and reciprocity of feelings. 

Instead, in the work place, the explanations could be a bit more complex. A study [8] investigated social dominance orientation (SDO) on how a person is seen in terms of organizational attractiveness. SDO is a theory that posits that all societies come from a system of hierarchy in terms of age, gender etc. and people in high status groups have a disproportionate advantage over low-status groups. People that had high SDO liked better people with high status and dominant employees. This goes against the traditional similarity attraction effect, but in an organizational context it is normal that a person would prefer higher status employees more, as this could have positive consequences for their careers [8]. 

Another study [5] investigated how people differ in terms of their big three (attractiveness, status and interpersonal warmth) choices when it comes to a significant other. The researchers found evidence that people that lead towards an agentic personality (agency) prefer mates that are attractive and have a high status. In contrast to this, people that reflect a communal personality (communion) prefer partners that are warm. Moving on to similarity and being happy in a marriage, a study looked at 248 married couples. The more similar the couples were, the more satisfied they were with their relationship and the less likely to fight [4]. The literature mostly points toward a similarity attracts effect, but context obviously matters (e.g. work relationships vs private ones). 

However, opposites may attract each other when it comes to couples who have personality disorders [1]. The evidence for this argument is still growing. Kaslow suggests that the attraction is caused by wanting people who have the qualities they are lacking themselves. For example, if you are a total mess, you are more likely to be attracted to someone who is a perfectionist. In a clinical scene this would be: a histrionic person is more likely to be interested in someone who has OCD perfectionism because the histrionic person wants stability, whereas the person with OCD may be attracted to a more “careless” attitude. Basically, these people are attracted to the parts they have a negative outlook on or they have refused about themselves[1].

All in all, most of the research conducted on this matter shows that opposites do not attract each other, but rather similarity between partners is what drives most of our relationships. Next time you are interested in someone, you may want to think about how similar you guys are in terms of values, beliefs and ideas (this will definitely make your relationship stronger!). 

References

1. American Psychological Association. (2004, March). Personality Disorders--Mixing Oil and Water. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/mixing. 
2. Back, M. D., Schmukle, S. C., & Egloff, B. (2008). Becoming Friends by Chance. Psychological Science, 19(5), 439–440.
3. Bahns, A. J., Crandall, C. S., Gillath, O., & Preacher, K. J. (2017). Similarity in Relationships as Niche Construction: Choice, Stability, and Influence Within Dyads in a Free Choice Environment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112(2), 329–355. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000088
4. Gaunt, R. (2006). Couple Similarity and Marital Satisfaction: Are Similar Spouses Happier?. Journal of personality, 74(5), 1401-1420.
5. Gebauer, J. E., Leary, M. R., & Neberich, W. (2012). Big Two Personality and Big Three Mate Preferences: Similarity Attracts, But Country-level Mate Preferences Crucially Matter. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(12), 1579-1593.
6. Lilienfeld, S. O., Lynn, S. J., Ruscio, J., & Beyerstein, B. L. (2011). 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology: Shattering Widespread Misconceptions About Human Behavior. John Wiley & Sons.
7. Moreland, R. L., & Beach, S. R. (1992). Exposure Effects in the Classroom: The Development of Affinity Among Students. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 28(3), 255–276.
8. Umphress, E. E., Smith-Crowe, K., Brief, A. P., Dietz, J., & Watkins, M. B. (2007). When Birds of a Feather Flock Together and When They do not: Status Composition, Social Dominance Orientation, and Organizational Attractiveness. Journal of Applied Psychology, 92(2), 396.
9. University of Minnesota. Libraries. Publishing. (n.d.). Principles of Social Psychology. https://open.lib.umn.edu/socialpsychology/