You’ve probably heard of the anxious attachment style. But do you know about the type deemed as its opposite? Characterised by avoiding emotional closeness with others and a high level of independence, understandably a lot of negative stigmas have arisen around the individual with the avoidant attachment style, especially in romantic relationships. Indeed, their partner’s initiation of intimacy may be interpreted as threatening. How do they themselves experience romantic relationships with this attachment style? Read more to find out!
This article will cover the following:
· Attachment theory
· Negative experiences associated with avoidant attachment style
· Avoidance as a coping mechanism
· Hope for the avoidantly attached
Attachment theory
To understand the avoidant attachment style, we need to understand John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which introduced the term.
Bowlby described attachment as “a lasting psychological connectedness between humans”[1]. According to Bowlby, the relationship between early infants and their primary caregivers can have an impact on the relationship between that grown up infant and later maladjustments in their relationships. To simply put it, depending on whether the caregiver responded to the child’s emotional, physical, and mental needs adequately, the child may develop an insecure or a secure attachment style[1,5].
Although there are many perspectives, according to Bowlby, the importance of psychological connectedness is evolutionary. Throughout history, children who maintained closeness to their primary caregiver were more likely to receive more protection and comfort, making them more likely to survive[1].
Mary Ainsworth was a proponent in introducing the different types of attachment[1]. Her work has been extended by other psychologists and now, it is generally agreed upon that there are 4 attachment styles[1]:
1. Ambivalent (anxious) attachment: an insecure attachment style marked by a deep fear of abandonment. The individual with this attachment style often worries greatly that their partner will leave them, and thus engage in clingy behaviour and validation seeking.
2. Avoidant attachment: an insecure attachment style marked by a fear of intimacy. They prefer to maintain distance from their partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships. They have a great sense of independence and are self-reliant.
3. Disorganised attachment: a combination of both anxious and avoidant and attachment styles. People with fearful-avoidant attachment both desperately crave emotional closeness, yet they want to avoid it at the same time.
4. Secure attachment: also known as the “ideal” attachment style, this is characterised by the ability to form secure, loving relationships with others. They are able to depend on others without being totally dependent. And they are not overly anxious when their partners need brief time for themselves.
How attachment during childhood influences that of adulthood can be explained through the idea that childhood attachment influences one’s perception of oneself, people, and relationships[6]. When a child’s needs are adequately attuned for by the caregiver, the child grows securely attached to the parent. It allows dependence on the parent but also fosters a sense of self autonomy, independence, and security[1,6]. These perceptions can go on into adulthood, influencing their relationships with close others. On the other hand, if the parent does not consistently provide care and attention to their children, doesn’t recognize these actions, and continues to repeat these patterns of behaviours, the child may grow up learning to suppress their desire for comfort when distressed or upset[1,6]. They then learn to disconnect from their own needs and feelings and feel a strong need to rely on themselves[2]. Thus the “distant”, “cold” partner is formed.
Negative experiences associated with avoidant attachment style
It was found that this attachment style is detrimental to cognitive, emotional, and behavioural aspects of relationship quality[3]. Avoidance is associated with lower general satisfaction, connectedness, and general support in relationships[3]. This can be explained by their tendency to not actively seek out comfort from their partner when in distress, while having a high reliance on themselves[5]. It is also associated with lower rates of positive feelings and positive interactions in romantic relationships[4]. Furthermore, the tendency to suppress (negative) emotions and distancing themselves from emotional memories by withdrawing from unpleasant conversations or sights, can make them less likely to encounter a variety of emotions within the relationship, therefore, leading to a less intimate relationship[4]. Their partner, dissatisfied at their lack of closeness in the relationship, may demand for more intimacy, which is viewed by the avoidantly attached as unnecessary and confusing[5]. When this problem goes unresolved, a painful separation marks an ending.
Avoidance as a coping mechanism
The avoidantly attached fears that seeking closeness and intimacy from others is not an effective way to regulate their emotions and decrease their distress because they believe that intimacy can lead to punishment, unnecessary discord, or rejection[5]. As mentioned previously, this may be explained by their unique perception of relationship attachment and security that was constructed during childhood through the quality of care and attention by their caregiver[5]. They therefore resort to distancing themselves from their partner emotionally, which can create relationship conflict. Research suggests that their tendency to emotionally help their partner in need is dependent on how distressed their partner is. In a research study, when their partner was less distressed, men high on avoidance were supportive, but when their partner was very distressed, the level of support given dropped[5]. This suggests that when a situation is already viewed as very stressful, the avoidantly attached is reluctant to provide support, in fear that attempting to provide emotional closeness may actually increase negative emotions in itself[7].
In addition to emotionally distancing themselves from others, avoidantly attached individuals also perceive themselves as very different from others, and this is especially intensified in response to threat[5,7]. In a study, it was found that compared to secure and anxious individuals, avoidant individuals perceive the least similarity between themselves and members of their group with respect to shared traits and opinions[5]. This feeling of being different was especially the case when they are induced with a negative mood, suggesting that in general, distance from others and relying on themselves can be a coping mechanism to repair their mood.
In general, the pattern of excessively avoiding emotional intimacy and distress creates a sad effect: The avoidantly attached sees themselves as self-sufficient in managing their emotional problems, but by distancing themselves from the potential negative and positive emotional experience that comes with sharing an emotional bond through intimacy and self-disclosure with others, the avoidantly attached unfortunately distances themselves from their emotions. This means that they are also out of touch with their deepest fears. Naturally, they increasingly perceive potential emotional involvement as threatening and continue to use their unhealthy coping mechanism.
Hope for the avoidant-attached
Of course, there is room for optimism! Here, we present some tips on how to recognize, and gradually improve on our attachment style so that we can experience meaningful and satisfying romantic relationships, and of course, be more emotionally aware of ourselves so that we trust and allow ourselves to experience many of life’s difficult and wonderful events that allow us to grow[2].
1. Understand your triggers: Instead of perceiving emotional intensities as a threat, we can train ourselves to be more sensitive about them. It is excessive self-protection that keeps us detached from our emotions, simply because we don’t want to be hurt. When you perceive a tendency of distancing yourself, start to journal what and how you are feeling rather than trying to push these negative emotions away. Try to think about what happened; what triggered these feelings? This helps get acquainted with your emotions.
2. Start to explore feelings and emotions and get attuned to your body: When that tendency to cope rises, what is happening internally within you? What physical sensations are you having? Are there images that come to mind? Try to be curious and challenge these thoughts. Are these thoughts getting in the way of what you want?
3. Practice getting close to someone: of course, this is easier said than done. Bring yourself into practice and start noticing how you interact with close others. What types of conversations do you usually have? How do you react when they express something emotional to you? Fear or anxiety may arise, and of course, they are normal at this point. When you think about sharing your vulnerable side, what thoughts, beliefs or feelings come up? Once you feel that you’re ready to test your beliefs, try to share small but not so vulnerable details about yourself with them. How does the interaction go? Importantly, were your negative beliefs about what is to come, confirmed by this interaction?
By getting attuned with your emotions, you start seeing your emotions not as overly threatening, but as a part of yourself that can help in your journey of self-exploration, growth, and acceptance.
Bibliography:
- Bowlby, J. (1979). The Bowlby-Ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 2(4), 637–638. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0140525x00064955
- Lang, J. (2021, September 29). 3 Tips on Repairing Avoidant Attachment Style So You Can Have A Long, Healthy, & Connected Relationship with Others. Jessica Lang. https://jessicalangtherapy.com/blog/3-tips-on-repairing-avoidant-attachment-style-so-you-can-have-a-long-healthy-connected-relationship-with-others/
- Li, T., & Chan, D. K. S. (2012). How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: A meta-analytic review. European Journal of Social Psychology, 42(4), 406–419. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.1842
- Li, T., & Fung, H. H. (2013). How avoidant attachment influences subjective well-being: An investigation about theageandgender differences. Aging & Mental Health, 18(1), 4–10. https://doi.org/10.1080/13607863.2013.775639
- Mashek, D. J., & Aron, A. (2004). Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
- mindbodygreen. (2022, May 24). Your Childhood Can Affect Your Adult Relationships: Attachment Theory, Explained. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/attachment-theory-and-the-4-attachment-styles
- Richman, S. B., DeWall, C. N., & Wolff, M. N. (2015). Avoiding affection, avoiding altruism: Why is avoidant attachment related to less helping? Personality and Individual Differences, 76, 193–197. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.12.018
- Smith, A. (2020, November 12). What is avoidant attachment? Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/avoidant-attachment#prevention
Extra materials
- The strange situation - Mary Ainsworth https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTsewNrHUHU
- Why avoidant and anxious partners find it hard to split up? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9EgUvfgojY